I had dinner with my lovely yayas last night. It was sooooo good to have a night of girly giggling and catching up. My fortune cookie said:
“An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly.”
Well, I think we all know what I’m translating that to mean. Just replace “alien” with “baby”.
I did not tell the girls that I had a cycle on the calendar. They know all the details of what has happened so far and when I was sliding toward the edge they helped snatch me back. My family knows I have a donor and a cycle on the calendar but they don’t know exactly when. Perhaps it is foolish of me to keep this secret. I know, I need my support system, I KNOW. They will be the ones right there to pick up the pieces if things don’t go my way and perhaps it is unfair to keep it from them but….
I have this dream of becoming pregnant, surprising everyone with a big announcement and becoming enveloped their surprise and joy. I just can’t let that go. I’ve given up hoping for every normal thing, husband, marriage, getting pregnant by conventional means, getting pregnant by high tech means with my own DNA. I’ve let go of so many damn dreams. Is it too much to ask that I’m able experience the joy of telling my loved ones about my miracle should I be lucky enough to experience one?
I try to convince myself that I’m sparing them some disappointment if my baby isn’t able to find me.
I did tell B. today. B. is a friend that I met through an online weight loss forum. I haven’t known her very long but I feel very close to her and she is always very open minded and a great support. She doesn’t know any of my other friends so I know my secrets are safe with her. She said I’m far too independent and I should allow my friends and family to support me throughout the journey instead of keeping secrets and shocking them all when I’m desperate for TLC. She’s probably right, but for now I’ll hold my own council. Perhaps when it the actual event doesn’t seem so far off…