Something Has Changed

Something has changed today. Not sure why but I have often found myself on the verge of tears for no reason. Hormones or perhaps the overwhelming enormity of it all is starting to sink in. I’ve got six months to prepare for this life changing event. That’s it. There’s so much to think about. It really is time for me to decend from my pink and blue fluffy cloud. I didn’t think there’d be crying though.

I’ve tried to get back to exercise this week. So far I’ve walked three nights this week. I figure if I can exercise 4-5 nights a week for the next six months, I should have a better delivery. If that doesn’t motivate me, nothing will. Tonight I was on the bike trail walking my two miles and it was such a perfect, warm, gold fall evening. A flock of geese flew right over my head. It was all so beautiful. You guessed it, I started bawling.

County Teachers’ Institute today. What a waste of a teacher’s day. They tried a webinar this year. The connection was so poor I could only catch every third word of the presenter when it wasn’t stuck in Max Headroom mode. Then we went back to our schools to discuss our new phonics program which took about an hour. After lunch, we sat around for two hours waiting to be dismissed. I don’t know if it was an improvement to the old way where we all crunched into some high school or the university after fighting to find parking only to go to over crowded sessions or be turned away because the sessions were full. I think they should do away with the whole thing.

This was the scene in the bean field across the road from my house at 8pm last night. Two combines, two semis and a pick up or two. I wish I was a better photographer so you could see what it really looked like. Everything lit up. Almost festive looking. I’m sure the boys didn’t find it festive at all.

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5 comments on “Something Has Changed

  1. Don't worry, this is the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy! It is incredibly overwhelming, and I remember being TERRIFIED of being alone with this tiny being. At some point I realized that I had babysat from age 11, newborns and small children – mostly that realization make me think those mothers were INSANE to have truste ME with their babies – I didn't know anything at the time. But babies are amaingly resilient, your really don't NEED all the gadgets and special equipment. All the baby needs is a warm soft place to sleep and food. You will be a great mom.

  2. Paige, I went through the most awful depression inspired by the overwhelming, choking feeling of OMG-I-should-NOT-be-having-a-baby! You see, I NEED my sleep (yeah, yeah, we all do – but I REALLY need my sleep). I am not the highest energy person in the world, so how the hell am I going to keep up with a little one? I DETEST bratty kids but I don't want to be some sort of drill sergeant either. And that stuff ONLY scratches the surface of what can set off a panic attack for me. I actually see a therapist, weekly, to keep my tools sharpened on how to handle those thoughts. It doesn't help that my nature is to worry. My nature is to put everything on my plate, at once, and consume it (literally and figuratively). I'm all or nothing. VERY bad characteristics!So, honey, all I can tell you is to RUN off that train when your brain goes there. Give yourself a few seconds and then remind yourself that this is a one day at a time journey and that those thoughts aren't even remotely helpful. If you're reading something that feels overwhelming about parenting, PUT IT DOWN immediately – it's NOT for you.Hugs!

  3. I think you finally made out of the "wait and see" mode and now your in the phase where you go "holy crap this si really happening" And once you get over that shock you will be just fine! Just start researching the important things (or asking others) and you find out what you need to know about the "important" things like baby car seats and such. You have so much to look forward to….and you will be a great mom….you work with children everyday…don't understimate your abilities.

  4. I agree with what Kim wrote above. From what I've read, I have faith in you to figure things out as you need to, step by step, and prepare well for your little one! You clearly have such a caring soul and that's the main ingredient. Good job on taking the first step to cleaning out the cabinet/nursury! 🙂 Kristina

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