While the casket was so small, it looked much bigger than I had pictured it. Far too big for my tiny baby. The part of me that was wooden this morning crumpled and I physically crumpled when I saw it, I know I started wailing. Hands were there to help me into a pew, I don’t know whose and I don’t know how long I cried.
Pastor Jackie did a wonderful job although many of her words were lost to me while I cried. But I know she talked of Psalm 139 and focused on the part that talks about the “wings of dawn” and how God’s hand will guide us even there. And she read verse 13 about how God knit us in the womb and that we are wonderfully and fearfully made. She also said she knew Greyson was resting in Aunt Alys’ arms. The heat was not on in the chapel. I could not feel the cold but I could see Dad’s breath puffing.
Afterward I asked for a few moments alone and I asked Pastor Jackie to stay with me. I told her I knew the words she said were true but I couldn’t feel God anywhere around me. I don’t feel him holding me or comforting me or there for me at all. How I’d prayed so long and so hard for this baby and given thanks every day I’d had him with me but that now I couldn’t talk to God and that I’d always been able to talk to my Lord before. I know my baby is in Heaven but I felt lost and unsure of God at all. I’m unsure now of what she said but I know I felt comforted as she talked. I felt reassured that she believed that God was with me and would return to me. I asked her to please talk to God for me and ask him to hurry because I needed him.
Then I told her we had to go because if we stayed any longer I would put that white box into my purse and take it home with me. I actually said that out loud. I don’t know why the funeral man stayed in the chapel during my alone time but he was there as we left and I asked him if I could take it home, then I had an absurd vision of myself running down the street with it under my coat. I’m close to losing it as you can plainly see.
While I was in there, Mom had invited the small group back to my house for cake. I didn’t know she had baked a cake or thought of this but it was just what I needed. Chatting and a little laughter. C brought the girls over after while and I was so glad to see them.
Now everyone is gone, it’s very quiet and I’m drained. While I haven’t really found comfort, I have felt some release in writing here. I’m still unclear on what the rest of my tomorrows will look like without my baby in my womb or in my arms.