While the casket was so small, it looked much bigger than I had pictured it. Far too big for my tiny baby. The part of me that was wooden this morning crumpled and I physically crumpled when I saw it, I know I started wailing. Hands were there to help me into a pew, I don’t know whose and I don’t know how long I cried.

Pastor Jackie did a wonderful job although many of her words were lost to me while I cried. But I know she talked of Psalm 139 and focused on the part that talks about the “wings of dawn” and how God’s hand will guide us even there. And she read verse 13 about how God knit us in the womb and that we are wonderfully and fearfully made. She also said she knew Greyson was resting in Aunt Alys’ arms. The heat was not on in the chapel. I could not feel the cold but I could see Dad’s breath puffing.

Afterward I asked for a few moments alone and I asked Pastor Jackie to stay with me. I told her I knew the words she said were true but I couldn’t feel God anywhere around me. I don’t feel him holding me or comforting me or there for me at all. How I’d prayed so long and so hard for this baby and given thanks every day I’d had him with me but that now I couldn’t talk to God and that I’d always been able to talk to my Lord before. I know my baby is in Heaven but I felt lost and unsure of God at all. I’m unsure now of what she said but I know I felt comforted as she talked. I felt reassured that she believed that God was with me and would return to me. I asked her to please talk to God for me and ask him to hurry because I needed him.

Then I told her we had to go because if we stayed any longer I would put that white box into my purse and take it home with me. I actually said that out loud. I don’t know why the funeral man stayed in the chapel during my alone time but he was there as we left and I asked him if I could take it home, then I had an absurd vision of myself running down the street with it under my coat. I’m close to losing it as you can plainly see.

While I was in there, Mom had invited the small group back to my house for cake. I didn’t know she had baked a cake or thought of this but it was just what I needed. Chatting and a little laughter. C brought the girls over after while and I was so glad to see them.

Now everyone is gone, it’s very quiet and I’m drained. While I haven’t really found comfort, I have felt some release in writing here. I’m still unclear on what the rest of my tomorrows will look like without my baby in my womb or in my arms.

By tearsandtantrums Posted in Greyson

26 comments on “

  1. Its so hard to go from holding your baby in your body to holding him in your heart. I am so, so sorry that you have to know this pain. Know that you and your beautiful baby Greyson are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Paige, I am glad that Pastor Jackie was able to provides some comfort. I hope that you begin to feel God's love again soon. I don't know your grief, but I do know that there are many people who love you and want to support you. I wish that I were closer and could come help out.

  3. Paige I know I don't have any words that will help you right now but I am so proud of your strength, even though you may not notice it now. You are such an amazing woman and I continue to pray and think about you all day.

  4. While no mere words can bring comfort at a time like this, I do find beauty in these:"An Angel in the book of life wrote down your baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book,'Too beautiful for earth.'"Thinking of you.

  5. I agree, you are such an amazing women. I am glad you found some release today, and I am so glad you found comfort in those that love you. I have been so moved by your experience and by your words. You've been in my heart and mind along with all the other posters.

  6. As someone who has difficulty during good times believing in or having faith when it comes to God I also believe that even if you are struggling with believing in God, God still believes in you and will be there when you're ready. I'm glad you have such a good support system in your family and friends and Pastor Jackie sounds like a truly amazing person. Hugs to you.

  7. Dear Paige,Today was a really important part of your grieving, and I'm relieved that you had a funeral service with your friends and family. Greyson will be remembered by all of these people, and that will go a long way to helping you deal with the injustice and tragedy of it all. It is horribly unfair and wrong. You are amazing and wonderful, and your little Greyson will always be in your heart. I know that you will one day hold your second child in your arms and tell them about their brother in heaven who looks out for them all the time. Greyson the guardian angel…love, inB

  8. Oh, paige. I would have wanted to take my baby home with me too. Saying goodbye is so hard, so unfair and so soon. I'm glad there were people to comfort you and a kind pastor to stay with you. I'm so glad you have as much support as you do. Praying for you.

  9. Paige, I'm so sorry you're having to experience this horrible pain. I'm so glad that you had a little laughter in such an horrible day. I hope you find some comfort soon – know Greyson is watching out for you now.

  10. I saw this somewhere recently, made me think of you. “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”Your Greyson knew how much you loved him, I'm sure. I've been thinking of you a lot these past few days, you are in my heart.

  11. Oh, Paige. Words cannot express how terrible I feel. I am sobbing as I type this.Please know that random internet strangers care for you. We are all in this together. You can count on us. Please continue to write, if you feel up to it.

  12. Paige I am hurting so much for you. I can only imagine what a deep primal pain you are feeling. The sight of the tiny coffin must have made it next to impossible to breathe. I like what Pastor Jackie said about your sweet Greyson with your Aunt Alys in heaven. Sending you love.

  13. Dearest Paige, I am so glad that there were hands to hold you during the service and that you have spiritual and emotional support. I would want to take my baby home, too, and your post made me think about how it might be helpful to have something tangible to touch and hold as you remember Greyson – if you think you might like a pendant or bracelet to wear to keep him with you, I am sure there are many websites with different options, but here is one I found with some lovely pieces – there is a heart-shaped pendant with little footprints on it and there are bracelets and rings and birthstones…just in case you are interested, here is the link:http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage-infant-loss.htmlThinking of you and sending love.Love,Maddy

  14. I was idly surfing some IF blogs and stumbled across yours – I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there – it feels like the world has ended, but you will gradually heal, it just takes a lot of time.

  15. Its heartbreaking to think of what you're going through. I cannot even begin to fathom your pain. Just in case you're ever interested, National.sh.are.org (minus all the extra .)is pregnancy & infant loss support organization. They have in person support groups as well as online discussion boards, chat and other resourse that may help. Paige, you and Greyson are in my prayers.

  16. My thoughts & prayers are with you & Greyson. I don't have any of the eloquience of the above posters but hope you can find comfort in knowing you are so cared for & loved. Know that Greson will live on in your memories, those of families & friends & in the memories of your blog family.

  17. Paige, I'm so glad the new pastor is a comfort on some level – I'm sure she will be a big help in the time ahead. Sounds like your family is wonderful, glad your mom knew what you would need after the service for Greyson – lovely name btw. I think that you are communicating AT ALL is an excellent sign of your good mental health, this is a TRAGEDY and you are responding appropriately! Give yourself some slack. For as long as it takes. Thinking of you. And Greyson.

  18. Paige, I have been following your journey because a dear friend of mine has been on the same path as yourself. My heart breaks for you and your sweet Grayson. I know I am one of many, many people in the Cyber world lifting you up in Prayer and thoughts.

  19. Paige, I wish I knew the right words to say. Sadly, I think there are no "right words." Greyson is a much loved little boy. Thinking of you so much.

  20. Paige, for some reason on your newest post I am unable to comment, I just wanted to let you know in case your wondering where everyone went. We are here for you still, just unable to comment. xoxoxoxox

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