I’m beginning to believe the next breath will come but I do not believe this hellish nightmare will ever be over until I’m dead and in Heaven with my boy. In a few weeks, I’ll appear normal and people will treat me normal but I’ll never be normal again.
My Yayas went with me to visit the gravesite. I was afraid to go alone. Afraid I’d become hysterical and not be able to get myself up the hill or drive home. It was precarious getting to the gravesite. My grandmother wanted to be buried on a hillside and it’s a beautiful site that gets the afternoon sun with wooded area around. But the ground going down there is very uneven and the steps going down are even more unstable. But we made it and my dear friends held me in the cold as I cried over the tiny grave. MC said some very beautiful words that I’ll cherish forever. Part of my mind can’t accept that my baby is no longer with me but in the cold ground. It is impossible to understand. Part of me wants to be in there with him. Shouldn’t a mother be with her baby?
When I left the hospital the nurses put an angel stamp on the wall for my Greyson. So he’s there with all the other babies born in the hospital. The living ones get their pink and blue footprints on the wall. My baby got an angel. My yayas went with me to the hospital where I was able to take a picture of the angel for Greyson’s memory box. I was also able to hug and thank my wonderful nurse for the kind and compassionate care she gave us. I realize it wasn’t a great night for her either but she was kind, honest and efficient throughout my time with her as all the nurses were.
How do I say this? Thank you everyone for all the kind comments. I wish I could say I was comforted by them but when I read them, I just can’t comprehend. I know the things you say are heartfelt and true but it’s like I’m reading a foreign language. Reading my anguish must be tormenting so I don’t understand why people would read and I am amazed at the outpouring from everywhere. It’s going to be really crappy around this blog for a very long time so if you don’t read, I don’t blame you. Writing here is a release for me and I hope someday it will be a comfort. I wish I didn’t have to write it. Shannon and everyone else….of course you should keep writing. Don’t let my pain diminish your joy and rejoice everyday that what happened to us did not happen to you.