I never thought I’d laugh again but my parents got a new dog about a week ago. I’ve never seen it before today. It’s a crazy Australian Shepard mix and it climbs trees. Really the dog has a crazy look in her eyes, never looks at you if you call her and after it trees a cat, it sort of runs up on the tree trying to get at the cat. It was a real laugh too, from the belly. It felt so foreign but like a familiar friend had come to visit.
I think if this man can still breathe and walk and talk after his tragedy, I can too. Dad says that there is always someone worse off than you and you ought to count your blessings. Very hard right now but I’m trying.
The other night my mom asked me to please ask my dad to come over and fix something, anything. He’s feeling emotions he can’t express and desperate to help me but doesn’t know how. So today I asked him to put together some shelves I had bought, before. When he came in we were chatting and the topic of paying for the funeral came up. My parents would like to pay for it. I started crying and told him he had to let me provide for my son what I could. He told me to “get out of his face with that”. Not sure if he meant the crying or thought I was being dramatic or what, he does not handle any kind of emotion well and thinks people should just “shoulder through” and “put on a strong face”. As I was leaving the room, crying, he said he liked to provide for his kids. I said I wanted to provide for mine too. None of us really knows how to handle all of this….
I couldn’t get in to see my former counselor until January 10.
In case you were wondering what it costs to put a dead baby in the ground here in the Midwest: $1053.16
Having the pharmacy call to tell you your prenatal vitamins are refilled,
or opening the mail to receive a bill from the fertility pharmacy and
a pamphlet on a support group for infant loss……