I am not ok.
I won’t be ok for a very long time, if ever.
The nurse practitioner, Monica, from Dr. H’s office calls to follow up with me. I’m not ok, I want to scream. And even though I’ve been asked how I am many times and have answered. This time I’m silent for a second before saying I’m learning to breathe again. She says sympathetic things, she says they do not have the baby’s test results yet. She asks if I’m coming in for a check up. I ask her to change my appointment on the 30th from an OB appointment to a check up appointment. In my head, I say “Dead Baby Appointment”. I tell her I have a lot of questions for the doctor. She says of course I do and she’ll see me on the 30th. Try to have a nice Christmas she says.
It is exhausting me trying to convince people I’m ok. There was an ice storm last night so no school today. Dad called up and wanted me to come to the warehouse for burgers. I didn’t really want to go. I really wanted to go back to bed and nurse this almighty pain. But I made myself go. Dad’s employee and our family friend, R was there. I had a hard time holding up my end of conversation and there were silences.
My parents are grieving the loss themselves and they are very worried about me and I can’t stand that. This situation has aged them. The pain and worry on their faces is almost more than I can bear. My brother and SIL don’t really talk to me but ask Mom about me often.
I have to show them all I’m ok, no matter if I’m am or not.
I’M NOT OK.