I’m Not Ok

I am not ok.

I won’t be ok for a very long time, if ever.

The nurse practitioner, Monica, from Dr. H’s office calls to follow up with me. I’m not ok, I want to scream. And even though I’ve been asked how I am many times and have answered. This time I’m silent for a second before saying I’m learning to breathe again. She says sympathetic things, she says they do not have the baby’s test results yet. She asks if I’m coming in for a check up. I ask her to change my appointment on the 30th from an OB appointment to a check up appointment. In my head, I say “Dead Baby Appointment”. I tell her I have a lot of questions for the doctor. She says of course I do and she’ll see me on the 30th. Try to have a nice Christmas she says.

It is exhausting me trying to convince people I’m ok. There was an ice storm last night so no school today. Dad called up and wanted me to come to the warehouse for burgers. I didn’t really want to go. I really wanted to go back to bed and nurse this almighty pain. But I made myself go. Dad’s employee and our family friend, R was there. I had a hard time holding up my end of conversation and there were silences.

My parents are grieving the loss themselves and they are very worried about me and I can’t stand that. This situation has aged them. The pain and worry on their faces is almost more than I can bear. My brother and SIL don’t really talk to me but ask Mom about me often.

I have to show them all I’m ok, no matter if I’m am or not.

I’M NOT OK.

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By tearsandtantrums Posted in grief

17 comments on “I’m Not Ok

  1. It pains me that you are exhausted trying to convince people you are ok. Does anyone believe you? Or is it just because that is what they want to believe. I would actually worry more if I thought you were ok. How could you be ok?It is ok not to be ok. What is not ok is not getting the help and support you need to walk your way through. I hope you find whatever path makes sense for you (support group, one-one counseling, infant loss group) so that you know it's ok to not be ok until such a time that you truly feel you are on the road to being ok.

  2. Paige, sweetie, I'm glad that people are checking in on you, but anyone who expects you to be "ok" right now is bonkers. I'm sure that your dad and mom just don't want you alone, but you owe it to yourself to let them know what you need- including if you need to be allowed to not be "ok." I'm thinking of you.

  3. Paige,I hope you don't mind, but I came across your blog while searching the net trying to find a way to deal with my own grief from the loss of my son. I am SO sorry you are enduring this hell. My heart just aches for you. Your words make me feel like there is at least one person out there who understands. Sending hugs. Carey

  4. Time. You need time. Mourning takes time as does the entire process of grieving. Be gentle with yourself Paige. You don't need to try and convince anyone of anything. You just need to work through each day as it comes. *hugs*

  5. I agree that it's ok for you not to be ok and hopefully those around you can understand and be there to support you but yet not expect you to be ok, or over it or whatever. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs to you.

  6. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. You're grieving your the most painful loss in your life and trying to comfort your parents in their grief. They lost their sweet grandson, and, as your parents, they feel your pain so acutely. Meanwhile it's taking all this energy to pretend to be okay….I think letting them know that you're surviving–even though a part of your heart died with Greyson–is important. But you need to have safe spaces where you can be real, cry, share your pain, &c. When you're upset, it can be maddening to engage in small talk with random people–while you're thinking "my baby died," they're talking about the price of gas or sports. You deserve the right to let your end of the conversation fall silent whenever you need to. I think it's good to accept company, especially that of family and the Yayas, where it still will take a big effort but where your loved ones will try to understand. Thinking of you this weekend Paige…I'm imagining that Saturday (every day, but perhaps esp. Saturday) is incredibly painful for you.

  7. I can tell in your voice you're not OK. The Ya Yas are still here and desperately hoping we can lift you up a bit. If you need us there, say the word. We just don't want to crowd you. Love you Paige. Ya ya Melissa

  8. I'm just echoing everything that's already been said… It's ok to NOT be ok. And it's ok to tell people that – especially so you don't have to hold up the facade of being ok, which is just so emotionally draining. Let people care for you, and take your time grieving. ❤

  9. Everyone else has said it all… I'm just piping in agreeing that it's okay not to be okay. And I know how it is to want to protect your parents… but having family understand that the pain is long-lasting can be therapeutic (in my incomparable experience). You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Wish I could do more…

  10. You're not okay – OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT OKAY – and that's okay. Please be gentle with yourself and only do things you think are going to be helpful – if you think it would be helpful to stay in bed, then stay there and if you think it would be helpful to be around other people, then let them know…I wish I could take away the pain and the memories and all of it for you, Paige…I think of you often and am sending you hugs every day.Love,Maddy

  11. Paige, you CANNOT be ok. You just went through a shattering experience. In time, you will adjust to this new horrible reality, will have fewer crying jags which will stop altogether one day only to make an occasional reappearance. One day, the world will stop looking gray to you. When these days will come, nobody can put an estimate on.I was really shattered after my first loss. It did not help that the only people capable of comforting me, my family, were halfway around the world. I hung out a little with friends because every time I stayed home, I turned inward and obsessed, and you can only cry and wallow so much. But I did not get a minutes worth of even a FACADE of contentment or peace when I was with other people. What got me through, was escaping. I've always been a voracious reader. In the next 2 weeks, I readfar more than my usual quota, because as long as I long as I could get into a decent fictitious universe, I forgot the mess my life was temporarily. That really saved me. Find whatever works for you to escape, to kill time for the next few weeks, that is all I can suggest. Big hugs

  12. I agree with Randi, it's okay to NOT be okay…if I can offer just 1 small piece of advice, find someone or somewhere NOT to be okay…whether it's here on your blog or with a friend or family member that can support you through it…putting on the brave face & holding up that facade of okay is so exhausting…give yourself a break and allow yourself to not be okay…big hugs.

  13. I'm so sorry. I've lost multiple pregnancies, so that's a grief I understand. But my losses were largely private…I hadn't shared my pregnancies with co-workers yet. I thought it was difficult to be carrying around such a secret grief, but I see the blessing in that now. Thinking of you.

  14. Tell the truth when you can. No need for details but if it feels like a lie saying you are ok, just tell them a simple "I am struggling".You have a long way to ok. This is no surprise.

  15. Oh Paige, I know you are not ok. I think people around you care, so they ask, but of course they don't think ahead to how you are supposed to answer that…At this point I doubt you can even articulate your feelings – they are too raw and painful. I agree with the others – and I'm so glad your yayas and family are there with you. I think it is a great sign of strength that you went out with your dad, even though it was awkward and hard. You aren't on a grief schedule – I hope you aren't feeling like you need to be "done" by a certain time. I have never had this kind of pain, but I have heard of grief counselling and groups that meet – perhaps something like that could help you in time. Or not. Just surviving each day is a triumph right now. Thinking of you.

  16. It's ok to not be ok. You're grieving sweet pea right now and the last thing you need to add on to that is a front that all is well. Anyone who expects you to or ignores your pain is not helping you any. Not saying your family is just anyone in general.Right now you may not even want to consider it, I don't know, but whenever you're up to it, definitely surround yourself with support groups and people who can identify with the pain that you're feeling. No one is grieving Greyson like you are but there are people who can be a big help to you when you need them. Most of all they can help you get to the point where you really are ok. Praying for you, paige.

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