Difficult day. A lot of pain. Random crying at random moments, some in public. I had to go places where the last time I was there, my son was alive inside me. I think I would have stayed home and cried all day if I could have.
I returned the funeral man’s message, he just wanted me to know he was dropping the death certificate in the mail unless I needed it quickly, then I could come get it. Still hard to believe that there is a death certificate with my son’s name on it. It just can’t be.
I feel as though my world is gone. Just dropped out from under me.
I’m able to be distracted and can even laugh and smile but when the distraction is over, my world is still gone.
For weeks my dog, Clara, has been limping and even after I took her to the vet and got pain medication for her it seemed to get worse. She’s very timid and her look of betrayal when I left her at the vet’s for x-rays today was about more than I could handle. The x-rays showed that she has snapped a ligament in her knee. I have to take her to a specialist tomorrow who will probably want to do surgery. I can’t stand that she’s in pain and that I’ve let it go on for any amount of time. I wonder what she thinks is going on around here. Strangers showing up all the time, me making weird howling noises and no happiness in the house anymore.
Yas invaded me tonight. They brought dinner and themselves which is good for my soul. A lot of laughs. I haven’t laughed hard like that (and meant it) since before. We were laughing a lot about what we saw here: http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com/. Also, about a story my aunt, who was a visiting nurse at the time, tells about an elderly teacher who had lost her mind and could only say the words, “piece of paper”. We’re mostly teachers so we could all picture ourselves in this situation. With them here I could be normal, for a while anyway.
What can I say about these women? My friends. From that first day home from the hospital, they showed up and showed me how strong friendship can be. They kept showing up. They’ve stared down my pain and didn’t look away even at the ugliest of times when it would have been easy to stay away and avoid seeing the broken woman I’ve become. Other than Mom, no one else has had the strength to hold me, be with me, listen to me cry and keep me from sliding over the edge. They remind me there is still life out there. They are strong for me when I can’t be, breathe for me when I can’t and get me to laugh even when I think I can’t. If you’re reading, girls, I love you all and I’ll never forget that you showed up and didn’t look away.