My head knows that all the bad thoughts in the world can’t cause a pregnancy to end. But my heart is remembering some bad, bad thoughts I had and wondering.
When I told my Yayas I was pregnant, I was so excited and very, very happy. Without a doubt, the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I remember saying to MC that if it all ended right then, I wouldn’t regret it because it had been the happiest 10 weeks of my life. She said it was about damn time I had some happiness. Now it’s ended and I have no regrets at all about becoming pregnant but I wish I hadn’t thought or said that. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t. I wanted my pregnancy to end in the 40th week with a healthy baby. I wanted to keep being happy.
This next one is really, really bad:
After the horrible preacher meeting during which he’d said I’d committed a mortal sin by becoming pregnant in the manner I did, I was so upset. I want to be clear that I DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT believe ANYTHING that jackass said but in the day or so that followed, I’m ashamed to admit that I had the thought that if it’s a mortal sin, I want it out. I didn’t want it out. I really didn’t want that at all. I didn’t. I wanted my baby to live.
I can’t survive this guilt, this pain.
It’s choking me and I can’t breathe.
I can’t escape these thoughts.
I just want my baby back.
I’m so sorry I ever had these bad thoughts.
I won’t have any more bad thoughts ever again.
Please, please, please give me my baby back.