I think today might have been my first day since it happened that I didn’t go somewhere or get a visit from someone. Not sure. It was kind of long. I accepted delivery of new kitchen cabinets, wrapped gifts, made two batches of caramel corn, tried to read and did laundry. I worried about Clara Dog until the vet called to say all had gone well and she was recovering nicely from anesthesia.
Except the dog, none of it matters. I tried hard to get excited about the cabinets but just couldn’t. I tried to joke with the delivery man about getting a new kitchen for Christmas but it felt fake. I’m trying….
Where is the how-to manual for this grief, this pain, for moving on, past, beyond? “What To Expect When You’ve Had A Still Birth” When I was ttc and then pregnant and reading ttc/pregnancy blogs it seemed that I had many things in common with a lot of people. Now, it seems that although there are a lot of miscarriage/still birth blogs out there, I’m alone in my particular club.
I wanted to thank the people who are still reading and commenting. I can read them now and I’m grateful that you all care and take time to comment. I’m not sure I could do the same if I were in your shoes. Seems this blog has just become a dumping ground for pain and I’m sure it gets old reading about it over and over. How many ways can I write about my destroyed heart, soul, world? But somehow I need to.
I am back to reading a few blogs. I try to comment but can’t seem to yet. Soon, maybe….