The first thing I did in this new year was notice that my boobs have shrunk. I didn’t think they had grown much while I was pregnant but now it’s clear that they did. I really miss my pregnant body. I couldn’t wait to get that really pregnant baby belly and was worried I wouldn’t since I’m so fat to begin with. What a stupid worry to have.
I spent most of the day in bed but did rouse myself to go to my parents for the annual New Year’s clam chowder. Not sure how we Midwesterners started this particular tradition but mom makes it every year. Fun joking with E about our weird cousin who had talked to me really inappropriately about his girlfriend the day before. I think the dude got aroused while we were talking…eww. And sweet Dollface took me to help her gather the eggs and then made it her job to wash them all and put them away. I couldn’t help but recall my childhood when that was my daily chore.
On the topic of enjoying life:
I do not. But if I ever do enjoy life again, I don’t think I will feel guilty. Enjoying things and experiences could never take Greyson further from me or make me forget him. But who knows, the darndest emotions come out of me at the darndest times and I can’t predict or control them. The few things I have enjoyed, I felt good about, like I was healing. I’m sure that makes me a weirdo but I know Greyson would not want me to wallow or feel badly about laughing or enjoying life. I try to think about what I would want, if I were him. If I died, I would not want my mother to feel badly about learning to feel good again.
On the topic of trying again:
I have either 4 or 6 frozen embryos and I probably will try to get pregnant again. It’s just such a big idea and so far away and seems so terrifying. I can barely think about it. My soul is too shattered and I can’t imagine gathering enough of the pieces together for another try. I don’t have a vision of what trying again would look or feel like. I’m not brave enough. I barely lived through losing Greyson and I’m pretty sure I could never survive another loss like this one.
Also, there is a prevailing feeling that this was my one good chance at becoming a mother and it got wrecked, just like every other chance I’ve had at true happiness. My instincts tell me that if I try again, it won’t take or it will be an early loss. Not sure why I feel this way, but that’s why they call it an instinct, I guess. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to face the biggest fear of my life by the end of 2011. Never becoming a mother.
Maybe my instincts are crap though. At one point during my two week wait, I was really really sure I was not pregnant. And after the anatomy scan ultrasound, I was really sure I would have a healthy baby. Who the hell knows….