Five weeks ago I delivered a dead baby and had to tell him good bye. It’s only been five weeks. I try very hard to remember that when I’m having a hard time which is pretty often. It seems like a very long time ago.
I’m tired of having emotions. I’m worn out.
I still can’t believe this has happened. I’ll never be able to accept it.
I keep thinking about Mrs. Elkins. Mrs. Elkins lived with her two children, her sister and the sister’s son. And she was cracked. Truly off her rocker. Clearly, the sister was the sane one who took care of the family. I knew this family because I had the sister’s child, Glen, in my kindergarten class years ago.
Mrs. Elkins was constantly pregnant. Only she really wasn’t. She would talk on and on about pregnancy symptoms and tell you she was due over the summer but the next year there was never a baby. Sometimes she was “pregnant” with twins. The next year when we asked to see the “twins” they were always home sleeping. Once she came to school wearing a dirty bubblegum machine ring that had stones missing and said she had her man “right where she wanted him” but that she wouldn’t let him touch her because if he did, she always got pregnant. When she went on like this the sister would just roll her eyes. One time I asked Glen if the new baby kept him up at night and he asked me what I was talking about.
We were never unkind to Mrs. Elkins to her face but a lot of fun was had by the teachers at her expense. We would deliberately ask her questions about her pregnancy trying to trip up her story. Then, we’d compare notes about what she’d said and laugh. I’m ashamed of that now.
I can’t help but wonder what sent Mrs. Elkins into her own version of reality. If anything could drive a woman there, it would be having to bury a child. I wish I’d been kinder to her.
I understand now what a comfort a pretend world would be. I’m tired of fighting reality and trying to accept it. I wish I could create my own reality where I’m still pregnant and Sweet Pea is still alive. It would be so easy to slip to a cracked place where I’m still happy. It would be such a relief.