Numb

Most of the school districts in the area called a second Snow Day but not mine. It was 12 degrees when I left for school with a windchill of -8. The students had a previously scheduled half day. Only seven showed up so it was a bit of a laid back day for us. I taught them to cut out snowflakes and they had lots of fun with it. The second half of the day was professional development on teaching writing.

Emotionally, it was a different, numb sort of day. I think it might be the first day I didn’t cry, or cry hard anyway. It feels like it may be a leftover effect of the Xanax or maybe the after effect of just having a vacation from my mind constantly tormenting me. Or possibly having a Snow Day helped. I think it would really help me if I could work only three days a week. Maybe a combination of all these things. Why am I analyzing this so much? RK was right…my mind is way too busy even when it’s numb.

Maybe I’m beginning to leave the raw, torturous anguish of losing Greyson behind me. Is it messed up of me to be a little bit sad about that?

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7 comments on “Numb

  1. hi paige, long time reader, only commented a few times but i just want to say a few things.its going to be tmi but after i lost my son at 31 weeks, i was a mess, cried every single day, for up to 2-3 hours a night, and i started to feel ok but the bleeding from giving birth stopped and i didnt ever want it to because it was apart of Kye, and as gross as it is, i didnt like that my body was 'moving on', the same when i got my first period back from after having him, i was a total mess. there are many different feelings with grief and even i was sad about me not being so so hurt after Kye passed. I didnt really know what to do with myself. there is not a single word that will make you feel any better but your most certainly not alone. xxx

  2. From one "hamster wheel head" to another – remember to meditate before you medicate. :)I'm glad today was less intense. It probably is a combination of the things you listed. I don't think its messed up to feel sad about that. That anguish has been a dominate force in your life for a while. At times, your worst enemy and at times a comforting friend. I think its natural to want to hang on to anything related to the person you lost, even the grief if it helps you to feel close to them. You might even feel some guilt for letting go. But its all part of healing. It's okay to enjoy a bit relief from the torture. It's okay to let go a little and it's okay to feel sad about it.

  3. How nice to have a slower day at work although it would have been nice to have a snowday as well. :)I don't think it's at all messed up for you to be having the feelings you are….actually the opposite, I think it's part of the process and pretty darn normal…..of course how would you know that, it's not like you have gone through this before. My mind is very much like yours, always in overdrive. Sometimes I just wish it would stop. It only does when I sleep and ever then, it goes into overdrive. Thinking of you, as always. xoxoxox

  4. Nothing stays the same, including our emotional state. It is too exhausting physically for the body to maintain the high level of arousal required for intense anguish, anger or fear. It will come and go, ebb and flow. Take it as it comes, that's the only way I'm getting by sometimes.

  5. I think I would be the same way as you, Paige. I would want to hang on to whatever made me feel close to Greyson. I once heard a story about a man whose wife had passed away. Every morning he put on a tie that she had given him and it made him cry and think about her. Then, after a long time, one day he didn't realize he'd put on the tie until after he'd left the house. I think grief takes so long because we need that long to process, and some days will be harder than others. And you can remember Greyson and love him always without having to suffer at the same time.Love to you,Maddy

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