Just home from a late night of parent/teacher conferences. I’m pleased because I was able to hold it together and mostly focus while talking to all these adults and because I was able to talk to the parents of three out of my four students who really struggle and may be retained. I’m hoping to talk to the last one tomorrow.
I had a very comforting conversation with my coworker BS. I had made a sarcastic comment yesterday about taking up gardening because isn’t that what childless spinsters do. She approached me this morning while we were in the hallway with kids saying that she’d thought of me all evening and me making that comment made her sad for me and that I should try again. I couldn’t answer with so many people around. She seemed so genuinely sad and concerned for me that I talked to her during our break to tell her I probably would try again someday but that it was way too soon to think about it, I’m still shattered, etc. She said she understood that, of course, and we talked about grief a little.
And then she asked something nobody else has asked. She asked me what my baby looked like saying she bet he had red hair like mine (she didn’t know about the donor egg) and she smiled and said that she knew he’d been perfect. People don’t usually smile when they talk about my son. I don’t usually smile myself when I talk about him. I told her that he had a bit of fuzz but I couldn’t tell the color and that he’d had long fingers and toes with perfect teeny fingernails and toenails and probably would have been tall. She asked if I took pictures and said she’d like to see him when I was ready to share them. I understand that people may think it’s macabre to talk about a dead baby but it made me feel so warm to share him in this way. He was a real baby and he’s still very real to me, but nobody ever acknowledges him like that.
She also told me how upset people at work had been the whole week I was gone. That people cried. She said all of them didn’t want me to come back to work so soon because they knew I’d lost my whole world. That they were all grieving him too. I believe her but find it odd that no one called while I was out or tried to convince me to take more time off or extended much sympathy after I came back. I just don’t understand people.
PS…the dumb professor called last night because I wasn’t in class and she was so concerned. Why can’t people just lay off me taking this damn class. I’m simply not strong enough. She made me cry. I hate her.