I don’t know if you noticed but I was able to write a blog entry yesterday without mentioning grief, crying, pain, my dead baby or the shaky state of my sanity. I’m feeling desperately sad, still and missing Sweet Pea with every breath. Something’s changed, I guess. Numbness seems to have taken over. I still cry daily and sometimes I cry hard but I haven’t had a truly hysterical crying jag for a few days. My mind still turns and turns without stopping but the frightening high speed that threatens me ever closer to the edge of my sanity has slowed some.
I’ve been worrying about something that is really, really silly. I know Aunt Alys came and took Greyson away from me in the hospital to bring him into Heaven. I keep waiting and waiting for some dream or sign that he’s happy and ok but it doesn’t come. Greyson was created with a donor egg and donor sperm. He was a child of my heart not my genetics. What if he got confused In Heaven and went with the wrong family. I know it sounds insane but this really bothers me. I don’t want him up there with strangers and lost. What if he’s not showing up in my dreams because he can’t find me? What if I get up to heaven and I can’t find him? I may as well go to hell.
Maybe my mind hasn’t slowed as much as I thought?
Mom went with me today to pick tile for the kitchen. We found some lovely old world looking tile for the backsplash. It’s kind of different yet kind of traditional. I felt a spark of interest while we were looking.
Dad, E and RV installed the oven and the cabinetry around the fridge, worked on electrical stuff and brought in the island cabinets. The project rolls forward…spark or no spark.
Thanks to MB, I’m now obsessed with the “stats” button. I never knew that existed before yesterday. I really and truly CANNOT believe how many of you out there read. I can’t figure out WHY you would want to read but I’m glad that you do.
I really wish you would ALL delurk!
Go head, click on comments and tell me hi.
I dare you.