My whole life I knew in the deepest part of my being that God had a plan for me. He knew every breath I took, numbered the hairs on my head, knit my bones in the womb with joy. It was comforting to know this. I believed that every little thing happened for a reason. It felt safe to be in God’s hands. I felt loved.
Back then, even in my darkest days, I knew I had immeasurable joy in front of me. I knew God wanted me to be happy.
I was as sure of him and his plan for me as I was of taking the next breath. I prayed everynight in good times and bad. For years, asking God to send my child and then giving thanks daily after I was pregnant. I used to talk to God like he was my friend. I used to trust him.
In the time right after I lost Greyson, everything I thought I knew about my God was destroyed. I stopped believing there was a God. The God I was so close with had disappeared.
I couldn’t believe this was part of our plan.
The most frightening thing was that I didn’t feel my Lord anywhere around me. I didn’t feel held or planned for or loved at all. In those early days, I felt nothing in the way of faith, only a void where God used to be. There are still many dark and scary days when I feel this way.
And later, there was plenty of anger for a God who would cause this kind of devastation in my life. What kind of God only gives a baby 20 weeks of life? What kind of God only gives a woman 20 weeks of happiness? What kind of plan for my life could involve me leaving the planet without being a mother?
I still don’t believe my child died for a reason. I’ll never accept that. At times when I used to see God working in my life, I now only see the randomness of the world.
I know it is not God who has changed but me. My heart is full of pain and shut tight, not allowing him in. Some days I do feel my belief that there actually is a God returning. But I don’t recognize the God who is with me now. A God who seems uncaring and cruel. There have been a few times that I’ve squeezed out genuine prayers but mostly, when I start to pray, I just trail off and am not able to finish the thought. It’s a terrifying feeling to be living this life without faith and to feel that God is an unkind stranger. Like walking a tightrope without a net, the fear of falling and dying is real.
After Greyson’s funeral, I talked about not being able to feel God anywhere around me to Pastor Jackie. I asked her to talk to God for me, as I was not able to myself. If you’re reading and you are a believer, I ask you to do the same.
I don’t think I’ll be able to move forward until I’m right with God and I’m unsure of how to make this happen.
Every week I think about going to Pastor Jackie’s church. Every week I don’t go and I wonder if it’s hypocritical to attend church without faith.
Please ask him to hurry because I’m scared and I need him.