I’m finding that time has been split into BDB (Before Dead Baby) and obviously ADB (After Dead Baby).
BDB-I would have written about drama going on at school. Because of a simple miscommunication an older battleax of a teacher (yes, it’s KO of former glory) is saying that a younger teacher is a liar and the younger teacher and her friend were crying and saying how much they hated working at our school. I would have written how upset I was about it all.
ADB-I’m not upset but have decided that I work with children and I don’t mean my students. I want to tell the older one to stop being such a battleax and I want to yell at the younger ones that none of this crap matters since they have children who are alive so shut up with the stupid crying.
BDB-I would have told you about the choices I’ve made for the kitchen remodel. I would have been excitedly planning where I would store baby bottles and sippy cups. I would have imagined a high chair in the dining area and a laughing toddler along with it, spaghetti sauce in his hair and noodles on the floor.
ABD-I can tell you that it was a slow chore to have made almost all the decisions for the remodel because I don’t trust myself in my current mental state and I know I’ll have to look at these choices for the rest of my life. I will go in tomorrow to make the official order and put money down. I look at all the cabinets and wonder what a childless, singleton needs with all that space within a fine new kitchen. I don’t deserve it and wonder if I’ve wasted money I should be hoarding for some sort of adoption.
BDB-I would have written that it was a great weekend including circle time with the Yas on Friday, celebrating a friend’s 50th birthday at Tucker’s in Soulard on Saturday and three dinner invitations on Sunday. I ended up at E’s and it did my heart good to see my nieces. I would have written about all the laughs and good memories made. BDB I would have written that it really was a great weekend.
ADB – I could write the same thing but I have to add that my heart felt so low all weekend. When I’m with friends and family I’m able to be distracted. I genuinely laugh and smile. I’m almost to the point that I can forget my pain for a while but then the social event ends and my heart drops. I spent a lot of time crying this weekend too.
BDB-I would have written about being 28 weeks pregnant now. Maybe I would have written about Sweet Pea doing inutero jumping jacks or the latest ultrasound or having to pee all the time or getting a larger belly and starting to feel encumbered by it. Maybe I’d be writing about a baby shower.
ADB-I tell you my heart hurts continuously with missing my Sweet Pea and I wish everyday that he’d stayed.
BDB-I would be planning for our future.
ADB-I wonder everyday what is going to become of me.