As you know, I’ve been waiting and waiting for Greyson to give me some sort of message. Reiki Lady told me that each picture I take is a message from Greyson and I’ve been searching and searching them like a mad woman for a literal message but also thinking maybe it meant a message in a bigger sense. Maybe capturing moments in time is the message. Or being happy in a moment of time. Or recognizing moments of time outside myself could be the message from him. I guess I’m dense or just stubborn and need to be hit over the head with the message.
I still feel twinges and thrums in my uterus pretty often. I felt it in the early hours this morning while I was laying awake in bed which is also when I would often feel him bubble and twinkle while he was still with me in the flesh. The Reiki Lady said my uterus was “holding on” to Greyson and I wondered if, now eleven weeks and 4 days after losing him, it was just physical twinging and thrumming or if it was somehow Greyson’s spirit hanging on letting me know he’s still with me.
On the drive to work, I was thinking hard about all of that and everything else Reiki Lady had made me feel and what she’d said to me. I’m not sure what possessed me but right there in the car I had a little talk with my uterus saying it was ok to let Sweet Pea go. I’m going to be ok and we don’t have to hold on. Afterwards I felt an easing of sorts. A calming. Then, I panicked because I’m not really ready. Not ready at all and I can’t believe I didn’t wait for some peaceful moment at home or in nature to have that talk with my uterus but did it during a rushed drive on the way to the most stressful place in my life. What the hell was I thinking? What if he left and I didn’t feel it or cherish it?
For the billionth time, I wonder: Am I going crazy?
I read somewhere recently about angels communicating through numbers. I think it was someone’s blog but I don’t remember whose (Sorry!). It said something about series of numbers such as 111, 222, etc. being messages from angels. I have a thermometer by my bathroom window and when I went I came home tonight it said “55.5”. It rang a bell for me remembering that blog but I really thought it was just random. I had the thought that if I see another one right away, it’s Greyson. When I went into the bedroom and looked at the clock it said “4:44”. Was that random or was that Greyson saying, “Mom! What’s it going to take?”
Am I nuts to feel….certainly NOT lucky but privileged? honored? I’m not sure the word for it. I had a special life come full circle within me and move through me. The curtain to something bigger has been lifted a little for me.
Is this what “acceptance” feels like?
Or should I be on the way to a padded room?
Tomorrow I could be back to square one and a blubbering idiot.
Who the hell knows.
Picture of the day:
I wish I had a better camera. It looked so much better with my eyes.
The girl in the background with the bright smile is Latajhia. You might remember she was the one who asked about my baby and whose aunt’s baby died too. Lately she’s taken to jokingly calling me by my middle name once in a while when there’s no one else around because it’s her middle name too. I indulge her because, as you can imagine, she’s special to me.