Nevermind

Nevermind.
I changed my mind.
I don’t want to let go.
I don’t want a greater understanding.
I don’t want the curtain between the worlds lifted for me.

I just want to hold my baby in my arms.
My real human baby in my chubby physical arms.
Not held as a spirit or a soul or energy.
Not in my heart.
IN MY ARMS!
That is the only place he belongs.

How one day can be so different from the next.
But like it or not….

I’ve seen “555” twice today.
On the clock in the morning and on my odometer in the afternoon.

I feel completely dense looking for meaning in the minutia and in the big picture.
The left side of my brain is pretty handy with the logical veil.
Or maybe I visit denial for moments at a time.

I searched and thought and thought.
I really don’t know how I missed it.
Finally with the help of MB (Thanks!)
I realized it is a significant number.
The most significant date of my life.

My son was born on December 5.

Picture of the Day:

20/365

I really had no inspiration for tonight’s pic and I don’t think it turned out at all decent but I didn’t want to quit on the 20th day when I’m so close to forming a habit. (It takes 21 days to form a habit. Yes, I’m looking at you, MC) So I went all over the house gathering up all the books I want to read or wanted to read. I really had unread or half read books in every room. Quite the stack.

Evelyn, I’m very curious about your 365 challenge. If it’s a picture project and you’d like to share your pics, I’d be very interested to see. If it’s some other type, I’d be interested in hearing about it. turningofpaige@gmail.com If not, I completely understand.

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7 comments on “Nevermind

  1. I'm glad we know what the 555 is that keeps popping up. You're right that he should be in your arms and not sending you messages. I wish he was there in your arms.A lot can happen in a day. You're struggling between the two sides of your brain-logical, emotional-and you will for a while. Your pic is cool- your reading list looks interesting. Keep it up- tomorrow it will be a habit. I still haven't taken my pic of the day yet- busy day.♥

  2. I'm sorry he's not in your arms. I wish I could give you a hug. At first I thought that you had selected the books because they had some meaning (other than they are books on your want to be read list). So I was trying to figure them out. Like they were messages from Greyson. The ones that popped out at me were: An Echo in the Bone-because he's still apart of you; All the Women of the Bible-because you are trying to figure out where it fits in your life and Greyson wants to remind you that you are strong like the women in the Bible; A Whisper in the Dark-like the number 5 showing up, Greyson speaking to you; and Trying Again-for when/if you are ready to try for Greyson's little brother or sister. I'm probably trying to find things that aren't there.Can't wait for your "habit" picture tomorrow 🙂

  3. I also wish that he was with you in your arms… this is such a roller-coaster ride and sometimes you feel that there is no way to get off 😦 I'm with you and find it difficult to cherish the signs when I really want her back instead xoxo

  4. Its okay to change your mind about wanting to let go. You'll probably cycle through the stages of grief many many times. I wish Greyson was here with you so you wouldn't have to. I like what FruitFish said about the book titles and their meanings. Keep going with your photos. I can't believe you're already at the habit mark! Way to go.

  5. There were 5 comments here, and I sort of hesitated adding mine so that I could just leave it at 5! Paige, I'm so glad you found Reiki and your pictures…they both seem to be doing you such good (even if it doesn't feel that way every day – how could it?)…I love your pics so much.Love,Mddy

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