If you were wondering what the ultimate irony is, it’s receiving my son’s gravestone proofsheet in the mail on the same day as my appointment to see the doctor about maybe trying to get pregnant again someday.
I really miss being his mom.
My heart runneth over with raw mixed emotions. And there might even be a bit of hope and looking to the future mixed in there along with the sorrow and the gone-ness of him.
Dr. AA had a lot to say while really having nothing new to say. He has no answers either as to why that sad, bad thing happened to us. He agreed with everything Dr. H said. He prescribed progesterone to help start my period. He says there is “probably” a baby in amongst the 6 frozen embryos, it’s just a matter of finding it, either when I try again or the next time I try after that. He said I have about the same chance at getting pregnant as I did the first time and that if an embryo doesn’t survive the thaw it’s because it was genetically “bad” not because it was frozen. Everything for this new cycle, if I chose to go forward, would be basically the same as Sweet Pea’s cycle. He encouraged me to try again as soon as possible. I’m to call the clinic when my period makes an appearance.
I’m not sure I want to or can even bring myself to try again but….
I’d forgotten that I already love them.
My six frozen embryos.
Just like I loved Sweet Pea before he grew inside me.
My doctor just moved offices. Guess what his new street number is:
I actually got an email about the doctor moving offices the day after I got home from the hospital. I had horrible, bitter thoughts when I read that email but I didn’t delete it.
Was it Sweet Pea even then, nudging me forward?