I have looked back on tough times in the past and I can see why I had to go through them. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. While struggling to get pregnant I asked why I was having these hardships again and again. I prayed so hard during that time, begging God to send my child. When I became pregnant, I thought I understood…this was absolutely the right time for my baby to find me. There was a great and wonderful plan for us. I understood why it was such a struggle. The trials made the joy that much more precious.
Fourteen weeks after losing my sweet boy, I’m still struggling to look at the bigger picture. I think about why my baby left this world everyday and never come up with a good reason. I try to think of reasons I will perhaps leave the earth without becoming a real mother to a living child. Reasons I was given exactly 20 weeks of miraculous happiness with my son and not one day more.
Could it be because my parents are getting older and I’ll need to be free to care for them?
Do I need to stay childless to be a great aunt to my nieces?
Would some certain student suffer if I were distracted in years to come by becoming a mom?
Is it so I will write about the hell of losing a pregnancy on this blog?
Did it happen so that I’d become closer to my family or friends?
Or so that I could find a greater understanding or learn to love in a bigger and deeper way than I ever have before?
I’ve thought many times that perhaps I’d be a terrible mother when faced with the reality instead of the daydream.
The pieces just don’t fit together. I can’t see why at all.
Should I just be grateful to have experienced pregnancy at all?
Are some lives meant to be empty like this?
PS. I survived the haircut. It’s not a great cut but I got through it. Thankfully it was a sweet, softspoken gal and not a constant talker. I’ve been wanting to go to the craft store and buy stuff for a little scrapbook for Greyson. That nearly took my breath away but I finally did that today too.