Funeral Rage

I feel so selfish and terrible to be having these emotions on the worst day of my dear friend’s life. Even worse writing about them. I know it’s not about me but this blog is so bear with me.

I was taken aback at the huge amount of RAGE I felt when I heard that bastard’s voice and all throughout the service. I had a serious visceral reaction. I really could have screamed or hit something or thrown up. It’s very lucky for me I was with two strong friends who were there to lean on. (Thank you, SM and RO) They kept me grounded and I was able to hold back the worst of the emotions. Also, I kept thinking how the judge wouldn’t want any impropriety at this time and I didn’t want to embarrass SC or myself.

As we sang, prayed and recited our way through the service, I realized how much I miss the familiarness of the church I was born to. I couldn’t get all the way through the old familiar hymns or the Nicene Creed, the words of which will be etched in my memory forever just from the exposure I had to them on a weekly basis my whole life.

I’m furious at that bastard for taking those ingrained traditions away from me. Something which I didn’t even realize I was missing. And saddened that I will never experience them again in the same way. Nor will my children.

The new church I’ve attended occasionally has some lovely hymns and prayers which I’ll probably grow to love over time but being a different religion, they’re different. I’ll never be able to wrap that shawl of familiarity around me and feel the comfort of the words I once said and sang with the solid confidence of faithful generations behind me.

Not that I really know what I believe anymore. I used to think I had a strong faith but now I know something that can be so shaken was never really strong to begin with.

I can visit other Lutheran churches from time to time. I realize that.
It just won’t be the same.

Despite my waves of anger and sadness, I recognized that it was a beautiful service and exactly what the judge had wanted. Just the right verses, hymns and eulogy. The preacher said that the judge was not afraid at the end of his life but completely calm only wanting blessings on his family. A testament to a truly strong faith. For SC and her family, I’m glad of this.

As we left the church, we had to walk past him. SM squeezed my hand hard and I just casually turned my head so as not to see him. None of us is in jail for kicking a preacher in the balls so I guess we did ok.

I stopped by the luncheon at a local winery for a few minutes to see SC. I just had to see with my own eyes that she was holding in there and doing ok. Like the strong, beautiful woman she is, she seemed to be doing fine as well as her family members. I know these were two of the worst days of her life, but she’s handled them with grace and dignity. The judge is smiling and proud. Love and thoughts always, SC.

I think this is by far the crappiest picture I’ve taken so far. It was raining on the way home from acupuncture and I knew I’d be busy tonight and didn’t want to worry about taking a photo. The building in the background is the St.Louis Sheridan which I love. This picture doesn’t do it justice at all.

Edited so MB won’t worry: I was in a huge traffic jam caused by the Cardinal’s game getting out so I was completely stopped.



8 comments on “Funeral Rage

  1. I'm glad you {and SC} made it through today.I was thinking about both of you and had bail money in hand in case I had to make the trip.I'm sorry something so dear to you was taken away. I'm not sure why all of the religious "leaders" that I know or hear of are the ones to make me run, run, as fast as I can, from anything to do with religion. I don't think your picture is bad at all. I am, however, worried about the fact that you are driving along taking pictures on a highway…please be careful…Yay for our trip tomorrow! We will laugh off your rage with some mojitos and a really good time!

  2. I commend you for getting through the funeral without harming that man. The mind cannot compartmentalize feelings. You were there for a very sad event and to support your friend. There was no way to keep the anger and pain you still have as a result of that man's actions separate. I am enjoying your photos by the way. I like the farmland shots especially. 🙂

  3. Paige, you have every right to feel rage at this man. I am proud of you for not calling out his hypocritical, judgemental ass right there. I'm glad you were there to support your friend and her family.

  4. Maybe I can kick the bastard in the balls for you – something like Strangers on a Train since I have a LONG list off assholes that need a good kicking. I am proud that you raged but caused no ill harm to yourself. One day, bastardo will be gone from that church and maybe you will find your way back. Maybe the new church is the home you will come to love since it will have you and your new life in it. Sending love. E

  5. I think the rage is okay, you probably needed to feel that toward him.My first thought when you talked about church traditions is that you'll be building new ones with your kids at your new church and that'll probably help make the old ones not seem like such a loss.

  6. Oh it gets my blood BOILING when I think about that man. That misguided and foolish, foolish man.I am so very proud of you Paige. You are twice the woman I am. I am not certain I could have shown your level of class.

  7. You are one class act, Paige. I would NOT have been that cool, calm and collected. I'm pretty sure I would have landed in jail for kicking him in the balls. Hard. Big hugs and here's to karma.

  8. You put into words exactly what I've been struggling with regarding my own pastor jackass. Like you, my family has attended the same Lutheran church for over 100 years, and to have that sense of belonging and security ripped away from me because of a new pastor coming in and mistakenly thinking he IS God…telling me that I had no right to be a single mother and that I'm committing a grave sin by thumbing my nose at God's word.My skin has literally crawled the few times I've attempted to attend services there. Everything in me rebels against his 'new and improved' service. I don't WANT new and improved. I don't WANT to be shuffling bulletins and inserts trying to find where he's at and where I'm supposed to respond and what I'm supposed to say. I had the service memorized since I was a small child, and I liked the familiarity of it. I don't WANT new hymnals and new procedures. Sorry I'm taking up so much comment space…I should probably just write my own blog about it, but didn't want to 'steal' your idea.On a lighter note, Chicago is an awesome city. Enjoy!!!

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