I just couldn’t hold out so I requested my first beta result be sent by email:
I am sorry to tell you that your first beta was negative. I hate to email you news. Can you please still go for your second one tomorrow? We can talk about stopping meds then if it is still negative.
Again, Paige, I’m sorry.
One hour after I read this email I had to walk into school for a workshop
and pretend I was normal.
Why didn’t I hold out for the second beta?
I could have been “pregnant” one more day.
I was so very sure they were there.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?
I told them I loved them every night.
Outloud like an overconfident fool.
How can my heart still be beating?