I took Dollface to the Muny tonight to see The little Mermaid. For the first time I noticed that the world treats you differently when you have a child. People are more considerate and kind. It was raining and someone offered us a towel to wipe down our seats. Another couple offered us a poncho. I know neither of those things would have happened if I’d been on my own. How will I survive this babycentric society as a person unable to have a family?
During the play, the housekeeper is talking to Ariel about how things will be ok. She tells her, “The key to happiness is not to dream too big.” or something like that. How true. I really wish I hadn’t dreamed that I could have a child or a family. I’ll never have that happy ending. Why, why, why did I ever dream that big? I wouldn’t be hurting so badly now if I’d only kept my dreams to things I could actually attain.
It occurred to me the other day that not only will I never be a mom…I’ll never be a grandmother either. Now I have to grieve grandchildren too.