Letter to Myself

Dear Paige,

I release you from the anger and the bitter, foolish feelings you are having concerning being so positive you were pregnant during your last two week wait.  I know you felt 100% positive that the transfer had worked, the embryos implanted and you were pregnant.  You left no room for doubt.  You loved those Three Bees and spoke out loud to them.  You kept no part of your heart safe from the feelings a negative result would bring. 

I know you have been feeling enormous anger at yourself and the universe.   I know you’ve been feeling like a stupid fool for believing that dreams come true for you.  For thinking that you, Paige, could ever have a happy ending.  I know you are feeling rusted from the inside out with bitterness at how your life has turned out.  I release you from those feelings now.  Let them be gone from your heart or at least let them be softened. 

It is ok that you felt so positive.  It is ok that you threw your whole heart into this cycle.  It is ok that you made those embies real in your heart and loved them with everything you had.  Some might say it is what a good mother would do.  It was NOT dumb or foolish or stupid.  It is ok that you felt that way for a little while but you must STOP being so angry at yourself and so hard on yourself.  You cannot help what you felt.  It is in the past and over.   Letting these feelings press so hard on you will not change the past.  It is time for you to let those feelings fade. 

There may or may not be a happy ending for you, Paige,  that includes a family of your own but you cannot stay stuck in this quagmire of horrible emotions about yourself.  Lighten up on yourself.  Allow yourself to dream for the future again.  Allow the universe to reveal it’s plan to you and then go for that fairy tale, even if it may have a non-traditional ending.   Happiness is out there for you.

I love you and I believe in you,

Paige

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6 comments on “Letter to Myself

  1. I’m so glad that you are trying to release some of that anger at yourself. You are the LAST person who deserves anger. Be gentle with yourself. Mourn as you need to. Just know that you are not alone.

  2. Paige, thanks for the link to your blog. I’m glad you are releasing whatever you felt at yourself when things did not work out. Its not wrong to hope, its wrong to be optimistic. The first time I was pregnant, I was so utterly sure and confident everything would work out, pregnancy loss was not remotely on my horizon. Then, when I found out my baby had died (maybe about 3 weeks after the actual event), I could only feel gratitude that I had felt so happy and carefree in the preceding weeks, even if I was entirely clueless in that time.

    I’m never ever going to be that carefree or happy during a pregnancy again, and I feel cheated there. So if you were happy for a few days, it was a GOOD thing.

  3. Oh, Paige! Catching up through LFCA. This is such a beautiful post. So glad to read you being loving and gentle with yourself. Big hug!

  4. I could learn from this post… only my problem is not being confident during my 2ww’s any longer – and beating myself up for not being optimistic. (((hugs)))

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