Today, I talked for a while to a teacher in my district who has had 3 miscarriages and is now pursuing adoption. She was very encouraging and speaking with her buoyed my hopes for a short time.
Then, I came home and read a little online. 3-4 office interviews and a homestudy, which according to my new friend is quite extensive and intrusive checking things like the temperature of the hot water. Parenting and CPR classes. Then putting together a scrapbook “selling” yourself to biological parents to get them to choose you.
I’m just not sure I’m good enough or that I’d ever get chosen. If I put myself into the shoes of a young woman who wants to find a fantastic home for my unborn child, I would choose a married, stable, healthy couple. NOT an obese, single person in their 40s who dances in and out of depression and is on drugs(as I will be when the straggler’s cycle is over) and therapy for it. The only thing I think I have going for me is living on a farm. It is possible that someone may want this environment for their child but I don’t think that would supersede the kind of parent that comes with it.
3-5 years? The possibility of the young mother changing her mind? 10,000 – 15,000 dollars?
It’s funny to me that I’m sure I could endure another round of slamming shots into myself, worrying about the donor and the eggs/embryos as well as myself, countless appointments with Dr. A and his dildocam and endless waiting and calendar staring but I really don’t think I have the kind of fortitude and bravery needed to endure the adoption journey that will most likely not make me a parent either.
The same website spoke of fostering and made it very clear that most of the children they deal with need care for up to a year while permanent situations with blood relatives are being figured out. I know I could not survive caring for and bonding with a child only to have them taken away.
I spoke to a nurse at Dr. HP’s office to arrange for a referral for a final second opinion before calling it quits on the fertility front. (I cried with her as I also did with the nurse at the second opinion doctor’s office. Will I always be so sobby?) I asked her if they ever get any young girls in there who want to put babies up for adoption. She said yes once in a while, one or two a year. This seems like a lot to me. She said she would give my name to the office manager so she could “keep it in the back of her mind if a situation came up”. What are the chances the office manager will remember me? Such a long shot. I have to face that I’m grasping at straws. Soon I’ll be out of straws.