Grasping At Straws

Today, I talked for a while to a teacher in my district who has had 3 miscarriages and is now pursuing adoption.  She was very encouraging and speaking with her buoyed my hopes for a short time. 

Then, I came home and read a little online.   3-4 office interviews and a homestudy, which according to my new friend is quite extensive and intrusive checking things like the temperature of the hot water.   Parenting and CPR classes.  Then putting together a scrapbook “selling” yourself to biological parents to get them to choose you. 

I’m just not sure I’m good enough or that I’d ever get chosen.  If I put myself into the shoes of a young woman who wants to find a fantastic home for my unborn child, I would choose a married, stable, healthy couple.   NOT an obese, single person in their 40s who dances in and out of depression and is on drugs(as I will be when the straggler’s cycle is over) and therapy for it.   The only thing I think I have going for me is living on a farm.  It is possible that someone may want this environment for their child but I don’t think that would supersede the kind of parent that comes with it.

3-5 years?    The possibility of the young mother changing her mind?  10,000 – 15,000 dollars?

It’s funny to me that I’m sure I could endure another round of slamming shots into myself, worrying about the donor and the eggs/embryos as well as myself, countless appointments with Dr. A and his dildocam and endless waiting and calendar staring but I really don’t think I have the kind of fortitude and bravery needed to endure the adoption journey that will most likely not make me a parent either.

The same website spoke of fostering and made it very clear that most of the children they deal with need care for up to a year while permanent situations with blood relatives are being figured out.   I know I could not survive caring for and bonding with a child only to have them taken away. 

I spoke to a nurse at Dr. HP’s office to arrange for a referral for a final second opinion before calling it quits on the fertility front.  (I cried with her as I also did with the nurse at the second opinion doctor’s office.  Will I always be so sobby?)  I asked her if they ever get any young girls in there who want to put babies up for adoption.  She said yes once in a while, one or two a year.  This seems like a lot to me.  She said she would give my name to the office manager so she could “keep it in the back of her mind if a situation came up”.   What are the chances the office manager will remember me?  Such a long shot.  I have to face that I’m grasping at straws.  Soon I’ll be out of straws.



6 comments on “Grasping At Straws

  1. Paige, so sorry. I started with adoption as you may remember. There is a GREAT social worker in the area – she was the one plus of the anxiety-inducing experience. If you want to meet up for a Cupcake or something, let me know. 🙂 hoping you feel like there are options because I know that has made everything seem worse for me.

  2. I completely understand your hesitation to pursue adoption. It’s a completely overwhelming process. I also understand on the same hand being willing to pursue fertility treatment even when you don’t think it would work. There is nothing rational about this or the hoops that they expect us to jump through.

    I don’t think you should sell yourself short though. You never know why birth mothers/parents choose the adoptive parents they do.

  3. My mom asked me after I failed my last cycle why I don’t just try to adopt. I couldn’t really explain but it just sounds so hard. Much easier to do donor eggs for some reason.

    I think you should start the scrapbook, not for adoption purposes. You need somthing to remind you that you are a good person and will be a great mother to someone. Making the scrapbook might help you realize that. You can’t see these great qualities in yourself but if you are looking at them for someone else and that might help you see your own worth (worth isn’t the right word but you know what I mean).

  4. I completely agree with Evelyn about starting a scrapbook to remind youthat you are great because you ARE great!!!! Any baby would be blessed to have you as a mother. If you’re seriously contemplating adoption, put the word out to everyone you know. That is how a friend’s brother and sister-in-law received their son. Someone they knew someone who knew someone who was thinking about letting her baby be adopted. I haven’t got brave enough yet to do that for all the same worries you have about yourself and remember that I am 41 now. So I’m clutching at straws with you.
    Love you.

  5. And caring and loving and caring and loving and is 40 and knows a bit about life and not a young woman who knows nothing of life. And clever and very good with little kids. And did I say caring and loving?

    p.s – first time commenting here so it is probably me, but I am typing in the dark here, pressing ctrl A from time time to see..

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