I spoke to a friend Friday night after the haircut incident and talked to RK today about it today. I agree with you commenters and RK. I just didn’t want to go into it with a stranger. That’s all. It wasn’t a mental break or anything close to it. It frightened me because it seemed to be something out of my control. I also told her about the party incident. We talked about whether I need to have a pat answer because people are really forgetting what happened to us now and since the world didn’t stop having babies when mine died, it’s something I’ll have to deal with my whole life. I’m not unkind and I really don’t want to go along alienating people by aggressively reminding them about my dead baby.
I’ve told RK for months that I don’t have a vision for what my life would be like without a family or even without trying for a family. Without a vision, I can’t move forward and will stay stuck. I now have a little vision. Life will just be the same. The same as it is now. What I have now, is all I will ever have. While it’s a good life…but it’s all I’ll ever have. She said it was a start. We talked a long time about the possibility of opening my mind to all the possibilities that are out there.
Dammit, this was supposed to be a positive post.
Dollface and I walked a far way down the country road behind our farm and she was such good company. We sang and talked the whole way. She made up little songs for me and sang some she learned from her music teacher. Like this one:
“A sailor went to sea sea sea
To see what he could see see see
But all that he could see see see
Was the bottom of the deep blue sea sea sea.”
But my favorite version was:
A sailor went to shoo bop shoo bop….”
PS. I began medication for my October 17 FET last Friday. I’m no longer angrily wondering why I have to do this again for nothing but I’m still rather neutral about it and not really caring…just something I have to go through. I can say I’ve had a few weak flashes of hope. Very weak but it’s something. I wish the nurse had never mentioned the term “medium quality embryos” to me. If it weren’t for that group of words sticking in my mind and heart, I would probably be more positive. I just can’t let my heart be broken again like when I lost The Three Bees. I just can’t be hurt that badly again. How much can I take and survive?
I know it’s asking a lot but I’m relying on you to hope for me. I just can’t do it for myself right now.