All Saints Day

Well, Friends, I think I did a better job preparing myself for this disappointment. I’m very sad, of course, and empty in a way that grabs me and hurts for a few minutes at a time every once in a while. It feels like I’ve fallen into a well of pain but very shortly I’m ok again.

RK told me to be social this weekend and not to isolate myself. I went shopping with BS yesterday and had lunch out. Today was church and spending some time at the farm with Stretch and everyone. E, C and the kids just dropped by to trick or treat. Stretch who is really just about too old to go trick or treating was a “nerd” with funny glasses and suspenders. Dollface was a very cute cat. My cousins from across the street also stopped by.

So I think I was successful at being social and it did help. I am, however, binging like a fiend though. BS is holding me accountable to track my food tomorrow and exercise. We’re taking an “every other day” approach for this week. I agreed because it seems like something I’m capable of and not too overwhelming.

I’m not sure about anything. Not sure about going forward with TTCing, not sure about NOT going forward. I’m weary of trying to force this particular door open and doubtful any future attempts would be successful. Not sure I CAN stop though. Does God want us to help ourselves or does He open the doors for us?

I wonder and wonder what’s to become of me in the long run.

Today was the All Saints celebration at church, where they honor those who have passed away in the last year. I hardly ever get to hear my son’s name said outloud so it was important to me to be there.

I really wanted someone to come with me. I invited my mother a week or so ago. My new church is the church she grew up in and she still has trouble going there. She says she can still hear her mother’s voice in her ear when hymns are sung. She cried everytime we’ve visited in the past and not once has she gone with me since I switched churches. I thought my Louisiana Cousin had a good point though. She (the cousin) lost her mother when she was 19 and said if she could hear her mother’s voice again she would go there every chance she got.

Anyway, yesterday she said she would go with me and asked did I still want her to go. Well, even though I wanted her to, I gave her an “out” and said I knew it bothered her to go there. I thought maybe she’d still go. Maybe somehow she’d sense my need and go anyway. But when I called today and asked if anyone was going, she said no.

I emailed my dad yesterday and invited him to go, but he never answered me. It was short notice. When I stopped by there on a little errand on the way to church, he said they were harvesting but now broken down and if only he had time to get ready he would have gone. He did act greatly bothered that I was going alone and told me to bring the car by for an oil change after which is dadspeak for “I love you and I want to take care of you.”

I guess I can’t fault people if I don’t come out and directly tell them what I need or want. I can’t expect them to read my mind.

It was lovely at church though. My cousin was there with her daughter.
She read Psalm 23 and they lit a candle for every name.
I didn’t even cry when Pastor Jackie said “Greyson P., son of Paige”.

It just sounded beautiful to me.

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4 comments on “All Saints Day

  1. Thinking of you!
    I am glad you and Greyson both got some recognition today. Sorry you had to be alone (but maybe you didn’t need to added burden of your mom’s grief??).
    I understand your conflicting feelings about ttc and I wish that I had some sage advice.

  2. You are an amazing person and I have such a deep respect for you. I wish i knew you in real life and if I did I would have gone to church with you.

    BS sounds like a good and smart person too. I think you should stick by her these days.

    I understand what you are saying about TTC. My mom has asked me a number of times what I’ll do if this doesn’t work and I tell her I don’t know, but sort of believe that I probably wouldn’t stop.

  3. I’m so glad that Greyson was recognized at Church, I can see why its important to hear his name.

    You are right in saying that people shouldnt have to read our minds, however sometimes we simply shouldnt have to say what we need. Do we ask for hugs or posts or phone calls? It just seems crappy sometimes that people don’t intuitively know that we might need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, or simply to know we have someone standing by our side. I’m sorry you had to go alone, but Im glad there were people there that you knew.

    Regarding your question about God opening doors or us taking intiative, I wish I had an answer. I just dont know myself sometimes. (ok always)

    Good job on staying busy this weekend. I know how hard that can be if we dont feel like socializing, but it’s good ot hear that it helped.

  4. I would have come and gone with you. Next year if you want…. I’m glad Greyson was acknowledged by the church. He was/ is a very loved little guy.

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