Well, here I am contemplating my fate.
If I wasn’t put here to become a mother, then what was I put here for.
I’m forty and don’t have this shit figured out.
I’m very depressed and pouty about it all.
A week ago my dad made vague suggestions that we “go somewhere” or “do something” this weekend. He’s coming off a very busy harvest season and every year has these plans to “go” and “do”. Every year they get pushed off and we all know by now that he’s not really serious. Something always seems to come up with the farm and to tell the truth he’s happy as a clam putzing around in his shop welding or doing woodwork. Also, my mother and he don’t have the greatest of relationships. My mother prefers to remain in “her” room in front of the TV or computer or craft and dislikes “going” and “doing” especially if it is something my dad wants to do and she doesn’t or if the excursion might contain even the slightest discomfort such as rain or a long drive.
When my dad made the vague suggestion, I, knowing his proclivity for making these suggestions and then backing out, agreed and told him to just let me know when. I’ve done this multiple times and I always end up at home because he backs out. This time I told him yes and then sort of forgot about it and made plans of my own.
Seems like this time he was serious because he called me today about these vague plans tomorrow. I accidentally slipped and told him I’d made plans because he usually backed out. I know his feelings were hurt and I felt so bad, I canceled my plans and am now “tentatively” going to Pioneer’s Cabin restaurant in Percy, Illinois with my dad. The real plan was to take my nieces to New Salem, Illinois where Abraham Lincoln lived at some point in his life. My dad has been saying we’d go here since Stretch was about 5. She’s 13 now. So the Pioneer’s Cabin is the back up for when Dad hears if the nieces are busy or don’t want to go.
I have to wonder if this is my fate. Being a companion to my dad because my mother has crapped out of the job. Am I looking at several years of driving for hours (this, it seems is the part my dad really enjoys) and then spending a rushed hour or two looking at historic sites or eating at some locally well known restaurant perhaps with a theme of some sort? Eventually, it will become caring for my parents with their ailing health.
I know I should count myself lucky to have this time with my parents. I really do enjoy spending time with them. I know I shouldn’t be so selfish.
RK keeps throwing the word “reality” around and I find myself thinking a lot about it.
I’ve done pretty much everything possible to try to have the life I want but all attempts have failed.
I have to wonder if this will be my reality.
Maybe I should just stop struggling to change my fate and just accept the aloneness of my life.
Ease into the roll of being the middle aged, unmarried, childless teacher with the aging parents.
Is this why I’m here?
Is this it for me?