I left counseling feeling much stronger and actually congratulating myself on how I’ve come out of this most recent negative. I doubt you can tell from my writing lately but I’m not angry at myself and I would not have done anything different in this cycle. I did the best I could and I don’t think anything would have made a difference. I didn’t allow myself to get too attached. I was sad but didn’t let it overwhelm me. I binged terribly but with a friend’s help was able to form a plan and get sensible with food relatively quickly.

RK says I don’t give myself credit. Here and now I give myself credit for all of the above. It was very hard work emotionally preparing for the cycle as well as the wait time after the embryos were put inside me. I had to mentally work at it hard nearly all the time and it took a lot to be distracted but I did it….most of the time anyway.

I just don’t know if I could do that part of it again….especially in the face of a fresh cycle.

Another donor…knowing I could pay all that money, go through all the drugs and appointments and worry and fretting and physical crap and emotional crud only to still end up with nothing.

I just don’t know.
I want to … but I just don’t know.

I have a feeling that at my WTF consult, Dr. AA will encourage me and that will give me the zing I need to move forward. If not right away, then soon. I’m pretty sure he’ll say the same thing he did after my negative over the summer. That it was “embryonic factor” (in other words, he doesn’t know why it didn’t take) and that there’s no reason not to go forward. Of course I have a list of questions for him. He must get sick of dealing with psychowomen.

I was complaining to RK(someone else who must get tired of dealing with psychowomen) that being 40 was suddenly bothering me. Now in November, not in August when I had my birthday. It just seems like I should know where my life is going. She told me to wait until I was 55, then I would have it all figured out. She had a slight joking tone. It took me a minute to realize that she was saying that she was 55. I felt my eyes open wide and I actually had to ask if that is what she was saying. She’s turning 55 this month. Umm, I had thought that this woman was close to my own age. I mean she looks fabulous! We had a laugh together about it and I told her I must start doing yoga because I know she’s also a yoga instructor.

I am going to try to get a picture of her for my 365 project. She’s been a such big part of my healing and my survival during this past year, I want her photo there when I look back on this year. Maybe I’ll work on getting Reiki Lady’s photo to. It’s like a scavenger hunt of healing professionals for the project.


2 comments on “Credit

  1. I love this post.

    I don’t enjoy birthdays anymore. My mom says some big birthdays bothered her but then later ones didn’t. Like 50 did and 60 didn’t. Go figure.

  2. I give you a lot of credit for surviving the past year and still thinking about moving forward. Not everyone can do that.

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