Everybody has been talking a lot about thankfulness recently, stretching their blessings out over the month.  I didn’t participate although I do have so much to be grateful for.  There is one very important thing I’m thankful for this year.  Even though he’s not here with me, I’m most thankful my Sweet Pea came into my life.  I am thankful I became pregnant and had 20 halcyon weeks with Sweet Pea inside me.  It was the happiest time of my life and I learned a lot from being his mother although it was all to brief.

Proud to say I survived my first Thanksgiving without my Sweet Pea.  I had a few tough moments but didn’t cry once while there were guests, out loud anyway.  The anticipation of this holiday was far worse that living through it.  I forgot how you get carried away in all the hubbub of all the family in the house and the food, etc.  I was really dreading seeing my cousin’s baby.  I had thought she was born just a few weeks before Greyson would have been but I only see this cousin during the holidays and the baby was actually born 3 months ahead of our due date.  Her children are very shy and cling to her so it’s not really expected that you fuss over them and hold them as some people expect.   And my cousin herself was very kind, finding a quiet moment to say she knew it was coming up on a year and asking how I was really doing.

So I’m hoping the rest of the holidays will be the same, not nearly as bad as I think they will be.  I wish they were already over, just the same.

Mom and I were talking after the guests had left.  Out of the blue, she asks me if I’ve made any decision about the embryos I had left after the summer disappointment of losing The Bees.  I was very shocked and it took me a few seconds to decide to come clean and tell her about this most recent failed cycle.  I tried to explain that I didn’t tell anyone at all because I knew the outcome of the cycle would be negative and I felt she’d just recently come out of the low time we’d had.  I apologized for the way my life choices seem to suck her into depression and it’s so hard to fight out of it again.   I tried to explain how difficult it was maneuvering under everyone’s anticipation and how I didn’t want to disappoint everyone yet again.

She was very understanding and said a lot of the right things.  I think she was upset that I didn’t tell her, partially because I was keeping secrets from her and partially because she thinks I was protecting her.  I don’t know if she understands that I was also protecting myself.  She asked about going forward with adoption or another donor.  I’m ashamed to say that I fibbed and said I was still just thinking about it, sighting that I wasn’t sure how much more disappointment I could take and also money factors.  These are both very true even while I’ve commited to actually going forward.  She agreed with both and said she would see if she could give me some money (she has now idea just how much this all costs) but I should only go forward if I was ready and wanted to.

I’m very torn about telling her or anyone.   It was much easier to be mentally prepared for losing the Stragglers without anyone else in real life knowing about it.  I know people think they are supporting me but people are so sure I’ll get pregnant and I seem to feed off of their anticipation and forget to prepare for the possibility of a negative outcome.  And the thought of letting everyone down again, having to look in everyone’s eyes and disappointing them again….it’s not a palatable thought.

I don’t mean you people of course.  You all can be as positive as you want for me here.  Most of you understand the two sides to this stupid infertility coin that we all toss over and over.



6 comments on “Thankful

  1. I completely understand where you were coming from when you talked about your own self-preservation. That’s exactly what I did with this last cycle, and I”m glad that I “lied” to most everyone… the pressure of others expectations can be too much when so much is on the line. You do what is best for YOU!!

  2. I think our moms are pretty good at hiding their emotions when it comes to our fertility. I’ve only recently noticed how much it impacts her as well.

    It would be nice to have some support for cycles but at this point I don’t tell too many people, becasue when things don’t work that’s a lot of people you have to tell and that part is brutal.

    I’m glad you’ve gotten through one big day.

  3. Oh Paige, I’m so sorry you are even in this place…but I know exactly what you mean about not telling. I have wished that I had told my mom, or maybe some other people, but that is easy to say in hindsight – who knows if I could actually bring myself to do it. Of course if all goes well it is easy to tell, but we know that secret pain. On the other hand, it deprives you of support, and your loved ones of the blessing they get supporting you, just being there when life sucks. I don’t know the answer. I wish I had more support, but sometimes even if you tell people they aren’t able to help you. Know that I’m thinking of you through this whole craziness.

  4. It’s such a hard place to be in trying to guard your heart from disappointment but still to be worried about other’s feelings. I hate that you have to go thru this.

  5. I have tried IUI six times, all BFN. The last two times I didn’t tell anyone, it is so hard, the 2ww and then the hopes and dreams all come in, I found it better for me to do all that dreamin’ alone, at least not in the real world. It also took alot of the pressure off of me, not having my one good friend text me “are you knocked up yet” messages. (she had good intentions, but didn’t get it) and I didn’t have to tell anyone that it didn’t happen, again.

    I am trying again in Jan too.
    What a great time to try, when the year is new~

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