Liar

I just lied right to my mother’s face.  Well, it was over the phone but you get the drift.  She asked if I thought I was ready to “dive into” getting pregnant again.  I told her I wasn’t sure.   She said something about it being so hard with all the shots and everything.  I said the shots were the easy part.  But what if I lost another one…that is the part I’m not sure I would survive.  Then she started to cry.

So not only am I a mother liar, I made my mother cry tonight too.

Please understand I was trying to protect her.  She’s been having a very hard time with depression this winter and I don’t want my life choices to keep her in the hole where they put her to begin with.

It’s true I don’t know if I would survive another pregnancy that ended too soon.  I think about that everyday along with the terror that must come with a pregnancy after loss.

Am I a terrible person?  Do you think less of me?

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7 comments on “Liar

  1. Of course you’re not. You’re doing what you think is best to protect yourself and your mother. What you are doing is absolutely terrifying, and it’s important that you do whatever you need to get through it.

  2. Not a bit. That’s one of the unexpected by-products of this journey. Our hurt also hurts the ones we love (which hurts us more). Do what you need to do. She will understand.

  3. I don’t think you’re terrible at all. I kind of wish I hadn’t told anyone what I was doing. You’ll tell her when the time is right for both of you.

    And don’t believe that you made your mom cry. She’s sad because of the circumstance. Your loss was her loss too.

  4. Paige–Speaking for the point of a mom who had a daughter who had a miscarriage, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. She was hurting so much, and there was very little I could do to help her, other than pray, which I did alot of. I can tell you that your mom still hurts for Greyson, but also for her baby (you). I would hope that your mom has been a source of comfort for you, too. I understand that you don’t want your mom to have to hurt anymore, but if you hurt, she hurts, no matter what you try to do to alleviate it. If you feel more comfortable not telling her all the details just yet, I totally understand, but also know that she would want to be there for you. Please know I am praying daily for you, and for your mom. Mary

  5. I would have lied too, your not a bad person for trying to protect your mom, I think it’s actually makes you a good person. Just think what a pleasant surprise it will be if you get to announce your pregnancy to her 🙂

  6. Oh sweetie, you are a wonderful person who just cares too much and are trying to protect her as long as possible. I don’t blame you at all. Some secrets need to be kept for our own sanity. lots and lots of love and hope

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