Well, I’m still having Crazy Train Brain.  It has come and gone over the past few days but when it’s on it’s ON!  I had an appointment with RK the Counselor today and the way I blathered on and on…..sheesh…   I wonder if I’m going out of my mind.   For a while, last week I didn’t even think about all the possible outcomes here, I was just hoping to survive the next hour and wondering what ELSE I’d have to deal with.  Now, the possibilities come and go.  What if I don’t get pregnant….or worse still…what if I do and it dies like Greyson did.

When my baby died I experienced so many days I didn’t think I was going to survive.  So I have to wonder why anyone would sign on for something they don’t know they’ll survive?  I must be some kind of moron.  I’d forgotten what a hellish roaller coaster this is  Worse this time of course because before I was innocent of what could go so terribly wrong.   How the hell am I going to make it through to the beta??

But I took a long walk this evening and told myself over and over that crazytrain brain is caused by the hormones and that I was stronger than I felt.  I will survive what happens.

And reminding myself:        good things DO happen sometimes.


PS…detailed fert report on Thursday….I promise.


6 comments on “CTB

  1. Sorry things are feeling so crazy. But I completely understand and relate (in the closest way I can). I hope that great things are in store for you!!

  2. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch lately but you are on my mind so very often! I am so excited for you as you are “going for it” again and I hope that as you’re dealing with all of the stress, fears and “what ifs” that it brings you encouragement to know there’s people who care and are thinking of you and praying for you. I look forward to hearing the details and updates as you go along.

  3. Crazy train brain is awful and I can only imagine worse with the hormones. You’re right. You’re not going into this as innocently as you did Greyson’s pregnancy. Unfortunately you’ll never be that innocent again. But you also now know that you are far stronger than you ever knew. We can only hope and pray for the best outcomes and take as good care of ourselves as possible. After that it is out of our hands- which really sucks for those of us who are control freaks. Know that no matter what, you are never completely alone.

  4. The hormones do amplify things sooooo much. Hang in there and can’t wait to hear the detailed feet report & hope you are doing well! Praying for you

  5. Know exactly how you feel… I often wonder why I’m doing IVF after losing Gabrielle… but it’s the love of our future child that will get us through. Hormones really don’t help with crazy brain… I agree xoxo

  6. Good things DO happen sometimes…that is a good mantra to repeat when CTB starts taking over…thinking of you & sending calming positive thoughts your way.

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