I Know, I Know…

Well, zen brain didn’t last long and I’ve suffered three days of crazytrain brain instead.  This is the worse kind of limbo.  I’ve convinced myself that I am not pregnant.  I know, I know…I was all “rah rah, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings” on everyone else’s TWW blog post but I cannot do it for myself.  The two that were transferred were graded B2.  Now, I don’t even really know what that means but I’m fixated on it.  I know, I know, tons of people have gotten pregnant with B2 embryos.   It’s just that stuff usually doesn’t work out like that for me.  Greyson came from an A1 embryo.   Yes, I’ve been going back and reading my old blog posts from when I got pregnant with him.  No useful info there really but I can’t help reading.

I don’t feel pregnant at all.  I know, I know, it’s to early to feel anything.  Way too early.  It just seems like I felt their presence for a few hours after the transfer and since then I haven’t felt a thing, physically or spiritually.   I feel exactly like I did after October’s FET.  Totally plain… normal.  Well, we know I’m NOT but you catch my drift.  I feel like a fool avoiding exercise, watching what I eat and being so careful going up and down steps.  No one will be more surprised that I will, if I somehow end up with a BFP.

Plus I keep thinking that I’ve been on the wrong side of every damm statistic in this whole journey.  Why should that change now?   I’ve come to believe you can’t change your fate….so why did I try?    I read a silly saying somewhere that when we plan, God laughs….He must be falling down with hysterics right about now watching foolish little Paige wish and wish and wish and try and try and try for a baby.  (I don’t really believe that I’m just having way too many unmanageable emotions and desperately trying to make sense of it all so please no righteous religious comments)

I just want this hellish waiting to be over so I can do what I want, eat what I want, drink what I want, get off these damn hormones, back on antidepressants and finish grieving these embryos…this pregnancy that never was…..and start to figure out what’s going to become of me and the rest of my life.

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16 comments on “I Know, I Know…

  1. I am sorry that you are not feeling it, but since you cannot say it I will say it — it aint over. So hang in there. There are tons of women who have no symptoms only to get a BFP. So as you can see, I am still rooting for you and hoping for the best. You only have 3 more days to beta.

  2. Hang in there… be gentle on yourself. This is a nightmare of a journey and you’ve had it harder than most… but there is still hope. Thinking of you xoxo

  3. Um yeah I know the feeling. At least you get your beta before the weekend!!! One good thing to think of!!!!!!!! Hang in there 🙂

  4. I won’t do that to you either (even if I will hold onto hope for you). I completely understand your concerns about the quality of the embryos, but I think there is so much more to it than that (my clinic doesn’t even give grades for them). Hang in there. I am wishing you the best!!

  5. Beta will be here before you know it…until then, feel what you feel & I, we’ll, keep hope for you, sort of hope by proxy…you take care of you & we’ll take care of hoping & praying.

  6. I like how Tiara said it. You do what you need to do to tale care of yourself. We’ll keep hoping and praying. You’ve definitely had it harder than most and it really sucks. It has definitely given you a form of PTSD which will probably stay with you for quite a while.

  7. crossing my fingers and toes for you…and hoping, hoping, hoping. Will be thinking of you tomorrow when you get the beta results.

  8. Paige – I so totally get what you are feeling. After being on the bad side of statistics for so long, it is so hard to believe that things will ever turn out good for you. I am hoping beyond all hope that you get good news!

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