Well, zen brain didn’t last long and I’ve suffered three days of crazytrain brain instead. This is the worse kind of limbo. I’ve convinced myself that I am not pregnant. I know, I know…I was all “rah rah, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings” on everyone else’s TWW blog post but I cannot do it for myself. The two that were transferred were graded B2. Now, I don’t even really know what that means but I’m fixated on it. I know, I know, tons of people have gotten pregnant with B2 embryos. It’s just that stuff usually doesn’t work out like that for me. Greyson came from an A1 embryo. Yes, I’ve been going back and reading my old blog posts from when I got pregnant with him. No useful info there really but I can’t help reading.
I don’t feel pregnant at all. I know, I know, it’s to early to feel anything. Way too early. It just seems like I felt their presence for a few hours after the transfer and since then I haven’t felt a thing, physically or spiritually. I feel exactly like I did after October’s FET. Totally plain… normal. Well, we know I’m NOT but you catch my drift. I feel like a fool avoiding exercise, watching what I eat and being so careful going up and down steps. No one will be more surprised that I will, if I somehow end up with a BFP.
Plus I keep thinking that I’ve been on the wrong side of every damm statistic in this whole journey. Why should that change now? I’ve come to believe you can’t change your fate….so why did I try? I read a silly saying somewhere that when we plan, God laughs….He must be falling down with hysterics right about now watching foolish little Paige wish and wish and wish and try and try and try for a baby. (I don’t really believe that I’m just having way too many unmanageable emotions and desperately trying to make sense of it all so please no righteous religious comments)
I just want this hellish waiting to be over so I can do what I want, eat what I want, drink what I want, get off these damn hormones, back on antidepressants and finish grieving these embryos…this pregnancy that never was…..and start to figure out what’s going to become of me and the rest of my life.