A few weeks ago I went to a retirement party. My friend, TB, was celebrating her last day of teaching special education with her family and friends. Her great niece was there. I noticed her idly as she was crawling around but it didn’t cause me undue pain. I noted that she was probably younger than my Sweet Pea would have been because I’m sure mine would have been walking by now and she was only able to crawl. Eventually she crawled over to where our group was sitting in lawn chairs and a few of the group started playing peekaboo with her and such. I write about all of this because something happened then, that I thought would never happen again. Maybe because she was a stranger to me or because I was in such a good mood joking around with my friends but I wanted to hold her. Play peekaboo with her and make her laugh. I actually tried to coax her to me but she became distracted by someone she actually knew.
I found out later that she was only 3 days older than mine would have been. So that is maybe just about how Sweet Pea would have been acting…crawling, laughing, flirting, waving and blowing kisses, if he had lived.
I didn’t think this would ever happen. I thought I’d be trying to avoid babies for the rest of my life because of the pain that goes straight to my heart when I see them much less interact with their sweet chubby little selves. But it didn’t happen this time. I didn’t crumble, didn’t cry. I didn’t have to be embarrassed by my reaction or put on a fake face and say, ” oh how cute” as I walked away.
Healing really can take place.
Feeling him so strongly with me the past few days: