Still whirling from the doctor’s talk yesterday. I told my mom and was sympathetic and wished she could guide me. She did express that she thought 6 months was a long time to wait to try again. That is the pay off for waiting so long to tell her about the last cycle and acting like it was nothing so she wouldn’t worry or be bogged down by my life choices. She has no idea how much these cycles take out of you from before they begin to after they end. I know she doesn’t know about all that but just by her saying it, it has me thinking that maybe it IS too long to wait.
I was thinking about asking my cousin if she would want to donate her eggs to me. She offered to be a surrogate for me once and she as such a kind heart so why not ask. I would understand completely if she didn’t want to. I’d love to raise a little blue eyed baby from my mom’s side. But wouldn’t it be weird watching a child run around family gatherings who you knew “came” from the girl standing next to you? When I was pregnant any thought of him being a donor egg completely fell away, would the same thing happen here? Also, desperate times call for desperate measures.
I keep thinking too about switching clinics. I haven’t exactly lost confidence in Dr. A, I do believe everything he told me but little things nag at me. He admitted talking to me last night without having my file in front of him. It was mainly general info I was asking about but I found myself constantly saying “remember, I’m the one who…” And..ugghhhh the thought of starting all over with someone else who has never observed a cycle with me. Also, I have to be under a certain weight to participate in the program where the other doctor is. I’m close to being under that weight but I know I don’t do well when I am pressured by a date that I MUST lose weight by. That was another reason to take 6 months or a year off.
I’ve also thought today that I should make a call to get started on foster parenting. Unsure about that but I’ll never know unless I delve into it if it’s a possibility for me. I wonder if I should email our school social worker and ask her where to start.
Walked the dog’s to my parents for a while and took my bike ride but mostly hung around the house and sulked or pouted or thought about these things while reading “Angela’s Ashes” and watching “The Blindside”. Probably what brought fostering to mind.
Ack! Why can’t someone just make the decision for me and tell me what to do?