I took Dollface to a puppet show today and we really enjoyed ourselves. They had great activities centered around “The Little Red Hen” and although she was a little shy, Dollface really seemed to have fun.
I couldn’t help but notice that all the moms there were substantially younger than me. Like 15-20 years younger. I was closer in age to a few of the grandparents there. Dollface wanted me to sit on the floor with her and I did but I barely was able to get down there and getting up was a minor ordeal. All the other moms were able to just plop down and up again.
It all sifts together in my mind. My arthritic knees, my age, my weight, my awkward shyness, the trouble I’ve been having with Stretch (getting into power struggles with her because of her capital A-Attitude and my capital S-Stubbornness).
I’m really doubting what kind of parent I could be or would have been to Sweet Pea or the Three Bees (who BTW were still inside me one year ago today). I imagine myself unable or too lazy or too selfish to do the activities required of what I consider a “good” parent especially as the child got older. Or sticking out like a sore thumb in groups where parents congregate. Parents not wanting their kids to have play dates with mine because he has that weird/older/fat parent. My child suffering because of me or being embarrassed by me.
I heard someone say recently that unanswered prayers were God’s way of protecting you from even greater hurt and I wonder if it’s true. What kind of heartbreak would I have brought on myself or my child if any of my pregnancies had gone all the way. Maybe it’s better than I have this quiet, boring life where I can focus on keeping myself in balance. I’m important to no one and no one can get hurt because I’m a poor parent.
I’m uncertain about trying again but at the same time I really, really don’t want to give up. I want to believe that I’m strong enough to try again and become a good parent. I keep praying to God for some unquestionable sign to show me without a doubt what I should do but then I hear a voice deep inside me saying: You’ve gotten dried up, nonexistent eggs, a dead baby, many cycle problems and 3 other failed embryo transfers, arthritic knees and all this doubt, isn’t that unquestionable enough for you?
Arrghh….I’m supposed to be taking a break from thinking about these things ….but here I am THINKING about them!