Young Mothers

I took Dollface to a puppet show today and we really enjoyed ourselves.  They had great activities centered around “The Little Red Hen” and although she was a little shy, Dollface really seemed to have fun.

I couldn’t help but notice that all the moms there were substantially younger than me.   Like 15-20 years younger.  I was closer in age to a few of the grandparents there.  Dollface wanted me to sit on the floor with her and I did but I barely was able to get down there and getting up was a minor ordeal.  All the other moms were able to just plop down and up again.

It all sifts together in my  mind.  My arthritic knees, my age, my weight, my awkward shyness, the trouble I’ve been having with Stretch (getting into power struggles with her because of her capital A-Attitude and my capital S-Stubbornness).

I’m really doubting what kind of parent I could be or would have been to Sweet Pea or the Three Bees (who BTW were still inside me one year ago today).  I imagine myself unable or too lazy or too selfish to do the activities required of what I consider a “good” parent especially as the child got older.  Or sticking out like a sore thumb in groups where parents congregate.  Parents not wanting their kids to have play dates with mine because he has that weird/older/fat parent.  My child suffering because of me or being embarrassed by me.

I  heard someone say recently that unanswered prayers were God’s way of protecting you from even greater hurt and I wonder if it’s true.  What kind of heartbreak would I have brought on myself or my child if any of my pregnancies had gone all the way.  Maybe it’s better than I have this quiet, boring life where I can focus on keeping myself in balance.  I’m important to no one and no one can get hurt because I’m a poor parent.

I’m uncertain about trying again but at the same time I really, really don’t want to give up.  I want to believe that I’m strong enough to try again and become a good parent.  I keep praying to God for some unquestionable sign to show me without a doubt what I should do but then I hear a voice deep inside me saying:  You’ve gotten dried up, nonexistent eggs, a dead baby, many cycle problems and 3 other failed embryo transfers, arthritic knees and all this doubt, isn’t that unquestionable enough for you?

Arrghh….I’m supposed to be taking a break from thinking about these things ….but here I am THINKING about them!


6 comments on “Young Mothers

  1. I can not see you as anything other than a wonderful mother. I don’t believe that God is doing this and I definitely do not believe that He is sending you some message. I can’t tell you to continue or not. I can only say that you are one of the wisest, most generous, most caring people I know. If anyone deserves the chance to be a mom, it’s you. Unfortunately it doesn’t work on a deserving basis. 😦

  2. There are children in this world whose mother’s beat, neglect and abuse their children and you are wondering if you would be a good mother b/c you can pop up and down quickly from the floor?

    Just the fact that you question that already makes you a good mother!

    • I ditto what Michaela said. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a good mother & it isn’t because you can or can’t sit on the floor.

    • I agree with Michaela as well! I was sad to read this post…whether you think it or not, you are a mother (just not parenting a living child) and just the thoughts you typed out prove to me what a wonderful mother you would be to a living child.

  3. I worry about the same things sometimes and then other times it just doesn’t matter to me (okay, and then I worry that I’m being selfish). But I agree with everyone else. Age and size don’t determine if you’ll be a good mother.

  4. Goodness…if this was the criteria of what it takes to be a good mom, I’d be in big trouble! I had my daughter at 41, and up until last year, weighed over 217 lbs. But I understand your concern. I’ve had it, too. Let me tell you something interesting that happened to me a couple of weeks ago at a local coffee shop. I was stopped by this 60-something woman. She had curly grey hair, not a lick of makeup, laugh lines around her shining eyes…and she just beamed as she talked to me, complimenting my daughter.

    I sensed a youthfulness and playful, joyful energy about this woman. All of a sudden this young, pretty teenager walks up and sits next to her, and the woman smiles and says “This is *my* baby! I was 41 when I had her, too.”

    The teenager just smiled sweetly back at her mom, and mockingly rolled her eyes. When they left, I saw the teen lock arms with her mom across the parking lot.

    I could see myself and my daughter in them both. Kids just want loving parents who adore them. Age & weight means nothing. You would be an awesome mother, Paige!

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