October

Em and I are signed up for an October cycle.  It took me a while to pin down the emotion, yes, I’m excited, hopeful, scared and all the familiar emotions from cycles past but being in this with some one is also comforting and a little less scary than other cycles.  I get emails like this from Em all the time:
“Wonderful news!!! It just so happens I’m free that weekend in October 🙂                                                                               No bad, no ugly…ALL GOOD!!!                                                                                                                                                          Can’t wait for this to get started! Just think, in less than a year, you’ll be a mama 🙂                                                             xoxo”

Sometimes I’m still stunned that we’re doing this and that I have such a special person in my family.

Then next thing is a meeting with a lawyer.  I know the clinic needs some sort of contract by September 29.  Should I just call the lawyer and say I’m preparing for a donor egg cycle with a known donor?  I want Em to be able to pull out up until the very last minute as she didn’t take very long to think about this before agreeing to it (I don’t think she will pull out) but once those eggs are out of her I want them to be mine legally.  Does she have to sign away some sort of “parental” rights?  Does anyone know what I should ask for?   Anybody reading ever use a known donor???

My coworker and friend just lost a 7 week pregnancy.  Here’s what she posted on FB:
“I wanted to let you all know that my pregnancy has come to a natural end. Although this has saddened and disappointed me, I have complete trust in God and know that this is what is for the best. This has brought me a deeper gratitude for my loving and beautiful family and an empathy for all those who have and will walk this path. When you see me next, I will have a smile on my face and joy in my heart because I know that I am blessed.”

A smile on her face and joy in her heart?  I know everyone handles this kind of thing differently and a 7 week loss is different from a 20 week one but I just can’t understand.  It makes me feel like the way I handled my 20 week loss was mentally way off the chain and unbalanced.  I’m still not over it, nor will I EVER think it was “for the best”.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m way off my healthy eating project in case you read over there and are wondering what’s going on…

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7 comments on “October

  1. First off, your reaction to losing Greyson was not “mentally way off the chain and unbalanced.” You loved your little guy and dreamed of him for all of those weeks and then gave birth to him. I still grieve for him and I never saw or held him. Your coworker is probably trying to stay strong and she may feel like she has to project this “everything is fine” image. (I know I try to.) She probably will struggle as she moves forward even if she can’t see it right now or if she is never comfortable telling anyone how much she has struggled. I’m thinking of you! Happy, happy birthday! I’m glad you and Em are on the calendar. 🙂

  2. 1st of all – yeah for October! I have always thought you were an amazing person so I am not surprised there are others like you in your family nor am I surprised she would want to do this for you.

    2nd – you were nor are off the chain in how you dealt with your loss of Greyson. You deal the best way you know how. My m/c was at 8 weeks & I still hurt from that loss so your friends reaction baffles me too but at least she can find peace in god. I’m kinda jealous of that.

    I hope you’re able to get back on track with your healthy eating…but not until after your birthday! Cut yourself some slack…& a piece of cake!!

    So lastly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Paige!! Treat yourself extra special tomorrow !!

  3. I agree with Nell and Tiara, there is nothing wrong with the way you grieve/d for Greyson. Having experienced an early miscarriage and having had to contemplate possibly losing my twins, I envy anyone that can truly feel the way she does. I think your reaction is much more typical.

    Congrats on the October transfer plans! I am so excited and hopeful for you.

    And happy birthday! And personally, I think healthy eating is highly overrated. 😉

    I was going to offer you a peek at the donor embryo contracts I have (not quite the same, but might give you a starting place or some things to think about), but I don’t think I have them on my laptop and don’t know when I will be out of the hospital to get to them. If you have questions, feel free to email me.

  4. I agree with everyone…there is nothing wrong with your grieving for Greyson. I still grieve for my m/c’d twins that would now be 7 years old if they would have lived…I will my whole life is suspect.

  5. Why do people feel the need to put personal stuff on Facebook!

    I am still grieving my two first trimester losses and I will never think they are for the best. And I know I will never be the same.

    I think your coworker might be over compensating right now trying to make sense of it all.

    I couldn’t imagine going through what you have been through. You lost a beautiful, sweet child and have every right to grieve. Never think your reactions was inappropriate. It is the way any mother would react to losing their child.

    Congratulations on being on the calendar and an October cycle!

    I am not sure what you would need in a contract but isn’t that the lawyers job to find out?

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! EAT CAKE!! AND ICE CREAM!!

  6. I had a 7 week loss and it definitely wasn’t for the best. I’m a different person and I always will be. I will never forget that person and I’m not blessed that I had a miscarriage. Your co-work is the one who is off the chain and unbalanced. Did she actually want to be pregnant because it sounds like she’s satisfied that it’s over?

  7. Yay for October!
    There isn’t a set way to grieve. People handle it differently. I know, obvious. The way you handle the loss of Greyson is completely acceptable just as her way to handle her early loss is too. Just different. Who knows what twists her grief may take her through in the future but I can only hope that she gets to a point where she’s doing as well as you are (cause you are).

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