Lawyer and Other Stuff

I’ve just mailed off $1000 to a lawyer to draw up contracts for Em and me.  They basically just say that if a child should be born as a result of her egg donation, I want to be the parent and she does not.  I was worried that this step might make it more real for Em and she might have second thoughts but she again was very emphatic that she didn’t want to be a parent.  The best part was that while having the phone consult with the lawyer he kept saying things like, “When you become pregnant….”,  “After you give birth, this is how you’ll fill out the birth certificate…”  It’s funny how a stranger’s random comments can really perk up your confidence.

I’ve started having tiny baby daydreams.  I’ll just have a snippet of a vision  of myself with a tiny newborn in my lap or tossing an older child in the air.  I haven’t had these in a long time.  When I was trying for Greyson, I had them all the time.   These are not elaborate daydreams like I had during that time but it’s nice to be experiencing a small version of them again.

I still miss him all the time and wonder constantly what my 15 month old would be doing.  That other teacher who was pregnant with me but got to keep her baby posts stuff on FB sometimes about what her son does.  I’ve recently been able to unhide her from my friend feed.  It doesn’t make me too sad though.  If anything it makes me nostalgic?  Maybe that isn’t the right word but sometimes I actually smile thinking my Sweet Pea might be doing some of the same things.  Yesterday she posted that her baby had gotten into her tampons and was wearing her bra for a hat and I actually laughed a little and wondered if my Sweet Pea would be tearing around the house like that.  I wish he was.

I had lunch this week with a woman who I started teaching with.  I started my career in a parochial school and this woman is very religious and conservative.  She’s also very kind and generous and always a good friend.  We used to have lunch every summer but had gotten out of the habit these past few summers.  To tell you the truth, I didn’t reach out to her because I didn’t know if she knew about my situation with that horrid pastor or what she’d think about me becoming a single mother by choice.    Even having lunch this summer, I wondered if I should bring up the church situation and the disgusting things that man said to me.  Well, I shouldn’t have worried.  It came up naturally in conversation when she asked me if I “still” liked the pastor at my former church.  I hesitated and then told her I wanted her to know what happened but wasn’t sure how to bring it up, then I told her everything.  She couldn’t have been more supportive of my situation and horrified at what that person had said to me.  Turns out she’d gotten her grandkids by IVF and she could not believe what he’d said.  It all just reinforces what I learned back then…that there is a lot more love and acceptance in the world than harsh judgement.  Otherwise it was such a nice lunch and so good to catch up with her after so long.

My eating is way off the charts and I think I’ve gained back about half of what I worked so hard this summer to lose.  The more pressure I put on myself to get it together the more I binge.  I have no desire at all to go back to the other blog.  I’m sorry if I’ve let you down.  I’m thinking about signing up with a healthy eating cafe in my town that packages freshly made healthy meals by the week.  Maybe getting those meals for a couple weeks would help.  I’m not really sure how else to go about getting back on track.


5 comments on “Lawyer and Other Stuff

  1. I wonder if we have anything like the healthy eating cafe here. I need it. 🙂 I am glad that thinking of Greyson even though wishing he were here with us also now offers some sweet memories and thoughts. You both deserve that. I am also excited that things are still moving forward with you and Em. Hopefully this time next year, you will be holding that tiny infant. Sending lots of love and prayers.

  2. I read something once about a woman who’d lost a child and through her life he was always there with her growing as he should have.

    I’m glad things are moving forward with Em and I’m really glad you talked to the friend about the pastor. It’s always refreshing when people you think might not agree with what you are doing support you totally.

    I keep checking in on the other blog hoping you’ll get back on. Don’t force yourself to do anything and don’t feel like you’ve disappointed anyone. The healthy eating cafe sounds like a wonderful idea; even if just to make the transition back to work a little easier. With regard to weightloss and healthy living, I don’t diet. I always feel stressed and just eat more. What works for me is making one small (itty bitty) change and then getting comfortable with it. Something like having healthier breakfasts. Once the change is a normal part of life I’d make some other small change. I never set a timeline, it happened very naturally and comfortably. At one point I had lost 80 lbs in the space of about 2 years and it never felt like work.

  3. I’m excited for you and Em. Things are really moving forward. I’m glad you have found some peace with Greyson and the teacher who got to keep her baby. I totally pictured you with a small child while I was reading this….I like the positive thoughts the lawyer gave you…it’s the little things that keep me going. I hope they keep you going too.

    About the other blog…you didn’t let anyone down. You are going through a challenging time. I too have seriously fallen off the wagon myself. I’ve gotten a few big hits to my life in the past few weeks and well food has become my solace. I’m conscious of it, but for some reason I can’t stop myself. I hope the healthy cafe works for you. It kills me though, how super conscious I am of feeding my daughter super healthy meals while I stuff my face with crap….doesn’t make sense.

    Holding you in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS!

  4. How exciting to be taking one more step forward (and I think you got a good deal with the lawyer). Be kind to yourself and enjoy being able to dream and remember Greyson too.

  5. Maybe moving forward is allowing you to look back with less pain. I know that’s a simplistic way to look at it but I have to believe that you son would want happiness for you. I admire the way you are able to experience your colleague’s toddler and think of the bittersweet and tender “memories” (for lack of a better word) of what could have been.

    Puhleeze on the apology for letting us down on the other blog. It was your tool to do what you needed to do at the time. If, through it, you learned something and are moving on to another tool, then do it without another look back. The prepared food sounds like a great idea, especially for a busy teacher. Maybe when other things get back on track, things will fall into place. I think with weight loss in particular, a longitudinal plan is better than the chunks of time that it is often divided into.

    Boy! I sound like a preachy pain tonight don’t I? If so, sorry! Just wishing you the best and hoping you’ll take a gentle hand with yourself.

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