I’ve just mailed off $1000 to a lawyer to draw up contracts for Em and me. They basically just say that if a child should be born as a result of her egg donation, I want to be the parent and she does not. I was worried that this step might make it more real for Em and she might have second thoughts but she again was very emphatic that she didn’t want to be a parent. The best part was that while having the phone consult with the lawyer he kept saying things like, “When you become pregnant….”, “After you give birth, this is how you’ll fill out the birth certificate…” It’s funny how a stranger’s random comments can really perk up your confidence.
I’ve started having tiny baby daydreams. I’ll just have a snippet of a vision of myself with a tiny newborn in my lap or tossing an older child in the air. I haven’t had these in a long time. When I was trying for Greyson, I had them all the time. These are not elaborate daydreams like I had during that time but it’s nice to be experiencing a small version of them again.
I still miss him all the time and wonder constantly what my 15 month old would be doing. That other teacher who was pregnant with me but got to keep her baby posts stuff on FB sometimes about what her son does. I’ve recently been able to unhide her from my friend feed. It doesn’t make me too sad though. If anything it makes me nostalgic? Maybe that isn’t the right word but sometimes I actually smile thinking my Sweet Pea might be doing some of the same things. Yesterday she posted that her baby had gotten into her tampons and was wearing her bra for a hat and I actually laughed a little and wondered if my Sweet Pea would be tearing around the house like that. I wish he was.
I had lunch this week with a woman who I started teaching with. I started my career in a parochial school and this woman is very religious and conservative. She’s also very kind and generous and always a good friend. We used to have lunch every summer but had gotten out of the habit these past few summers. To tell you the truth, I didn’t reach out to her because I didn’t know if she knew about my situation with that horrid pastor or what she’d think about me becoming a single mother by choice. Even having lunch this summer, I wondered if I should bring up the church situation and the disgusting things that man said to me. Well, I shouldn’t have worried. It came up naturally in conversation when she asked me if I “still” liked the pastor at my former church. I hesitated and then told her I wanted her to know what happened but wasn’t sure how to bring it up, then I told her everything. She couldn’t have been more supportive of my situation and horrified at what that person had said to me. Turns out she’d gotten her grandkids by IVF and she could not believe what he’d said. It all just reinforces what I learned back then…that there is a lot more love and acceptance in the world than harsh judgement. Otherwise it was such a nice lunch and so good to catch up with her after so long.
My eating is way off the charts and I think I’ve gained back about half of what I worked so hard this summer to lose. The more pressure I put on myself to get it together the more I binge. I have no desire at all to go back to the other blog. I’m sorry if I’ve let you down. I’m thinking about signing up with a healthy eating cafe in my town that packages freshly made healthy meals by the week. Maybe getting those meals for a couple weeks would help. I’m not really sure how else to go about getting back on track.