You might remember me writing about MA’s triplets a few months ago. MA’s wife passed away this week leaving MA with 3 beautiful children to raise on his own. I met with a few other friends from our grade school to attend the visitation. I feel so strange now. I’m really struggling to even put a name on the emotions I’m feeling.
First of all, there were masses of people there. We were there at the start time and they were already loading people into the basement to wait their turn. The first person I saw when I walked in was Pastor Jackass and his brood of about 6 kids. After his group went upstairs, I told my friends what had happened and I’m afraid I wasn’t too quiet about it. Even though there were many people down there, it was somber and not many were talking and I’m sure I was overheard. Someone from the community might have a wrong impression of me now.
After we went upstairs, we sat in pews to wait our turn to speak to the family. I had a straight view of MA. He looked wretched. He greeted every person like a robot, “Thanks for coming… Thanks for coming… Thanks for coming” There were so many people these were literally the only words he had a chance to say as we all filed through. He looked like himself….but it was like it wasn’t him. My mind can’t make sense of the fact that the person I saw up there, looking so defeated, was the same sweet, mischievous boy I grew up with. I’m really having trouble making the person I saw fit with the memories of the boy I knew. Afterwards, because of the set up in the pews at the church and the crowds, I didn’t even have a chance to visit with MA’s parents or sister or neighbors or friends as one usually would at a visitation.
I’m also revisiting the emotions I wrote about before. She’s in heaven with my son. I’m here on Earth with her children. The pieces just don’t fit. Why didn’t I get that cancer? I’m NOT depressed or wishing for cancer at all but I just can’t understand. It feels as though the sky has momentarily turned green. I saw it, I felt it but I just can’t make it fit into what I know logically is.
In other good news, Em and I are currently mid-cycle and things really are going well.
Em’s mom was in church this morning and she remarked that we were about two weeks away from the retrieval and she hoped everything turned out ok. I thanked her for her support and told her I was glad Em talked to her parents about it and that I wouldn’t have wanted to go forward without their approval (a bit of a lie…I WOULD have wanted to go forward I’m sure). I said I knew it was complicated and all very “science fiction”. She said it was quite something to think about but she really prayed it would all turn out well for us. I think Em’s strong decision to never have her own children really influenced their response.
I’m so very grateful for all the support but it’s kind of weird having EVERYONE know about my reproductive live.
You might remember my last cycle was somewhat of a nightmare with so many problems but this cycle has been the antithesis of that one. We even started our periods within hours of each other. Em has been a complete dream to work with and continues with her good attitude. Even little things, like getting an immediate call or text from Em about ultrasounds (12 follicles on the left side and “unsure of the number but plenty” on the right) instead of waiting and waiting all day for the nurse to call, have made the cycle much more tolerable and dare I say pleasant. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have someone to share this with. Even if it’s just being able to send a text to say the Lupron is driving me batty today. She responded that she’d either talk me down or help me hide the body. Sometimes I wonder what I’ve don’t by dragging her into this with me especially if we’ve both gone to all this trouble and I don’t become pregnant. Some days I worry I’m not savoring this last true try enough.