I feels as thought I should check in here.  I guess I’m hanging in there but it has been a very difficult week since the BFN.  I cry often.  I am again wanting to go on antidepressants but again I’m not going forward with that because I would just have to go off them in a few weeks or months when I prepare for the next cycle.  It’s like some cruel bitter infertiles “groundhog’s day”.  Get my hopes up,  get excited while at the same time going out of my mind on drugs leading up to the transfer, go out of my mind with the waiting, start thinking maybe this is it and maybe have thoughts about what having a baby could be like, maybe even toying with some names or nursery ideas even though I try not to, at some point knowing I’m not pregnant but having to wait those extra couple of days for the blood test, still having a little hope and thinking maybe I will beat the odds this time, then the ultimate let down of the official BFN and the aftermath.  The first awful shock of it even though I should have been prepared.  Trying to act “normal” as I go through daily routines in the first few hours of getting the news.  Missing those embies so much and realizing I DID love them.  Yet again wondering how my life got here and what could possibly be in store for me if not motherhood.  Knowing that motherhood is the most important job there is and for some reason I’m not good enough to be chosen.   Realizing that yes, life is still the same, the same has it has been for 20 years and remembering every time I tried to change my life (TTC of course but other things too) it only ended up in heartache and life still being the same.  Reliving every heartache and TRYING to accept that this is IT.  This is life and if I’m not happy with it, I’d better at least get used to it.

Now I have the added guilt and sadness of dragging Em into it too.  I feel truly awful that she’s gone to all the discomfort and emotional ups and downs with me.  I’ve let her family down too.  Not to mention my own family and friends.  I truly can’t say which is better, a secret cycle, wherein you struggle on your own or a “public” cycle wherein you disappoint everyone and have the added guilt of letting everyone down.  I don’t think “wracked with guilt” is too strong a term.  I think about it all the time and really wish there was something I could do to make it up to Em and to everyone.

I’ve tried to distract myself.  On the day I got the BFN, my brother called and said he had hit an owl with the combine and would I take it to a bird sanctuary as he was racing incoming weather and didn’t have time himself.  So my nieces and I had a very interesting experience rescuing this owl who turned out to be a short eared owl which is endangered.  It is a prairie owl which nests in the grasses which is why he hit her with the combine.  She had broken her wing in two places but will make a full recovery.

I tried to adopt my mom’s cat who she’s tired of taking care of but she disappeared into my basement (the cat, not my mom) and after 48 hours of not eating or any action in the litter box Mom was freaked out enough to come get her.

I bought an exercise bike yesterday to be delivered tomorrow.  I know I will have a better frame of mind if I can get back into an exercise routine.

I gave blood in honor of Em who is very passionate about this and donates herself every 8 weeks.

I’m planning on getting a new tattoo, just haven’t made the appointment yet.

I keep haunting online dating sites cause now, when I’m emotionally bankrupt and trying to hold body and soul together, would be a GREAT time to start something new with a fella.   Even I can’t and won’t attempt explain this insanity.

Halloween was somewhere in there too.  At the same time, fun, distracting and heartbreaking.  My Sweet Pea would be about 18 months old now and although they are older than that, the preschoolers at our school really brought him to mind.  I know I would enjoyed dressing him (I think he would have been a farmer or cowboy) and taking him to our local parade and we would have had fun together.  Also, my nieces did not stop by my house in their costumes which really bothered me.  I’m sure this was only because of my heightened emotional state.

I made a doctor’s appointment with my regular gyno to get my prescription for Xanax renewed and see about a regular prescription for BCP to control what is now I guess perimenopausal periods that like to disappear for months at a time.

I made an early easy turkey dinner (turkey “roast” and stove top) for my family today and had both nieces here for the afternoon playing games and drawing.  I enjoyed myself and it was a wonderful distraction but the moment they left and the house was so quiet again….  The moment I am still I start falling apart again.

I have 3 frozens left from this cycle with Em and 2 “medium quality” frozens from the horrible cycle back in March.  I can hardly bear to think about going through yet another futile emotional upheaval.  Em has offered to be a surrogate but has said it would be “too close” to carry embryos from her own eggs which I totally understand.  I am considering asking her to carry the two medium quality ones but how can I?  With the chances being so nil?  I will probably talk to her about it eventually but I don’t feel good about it.  How wretched will I feel when that cycle ends with a BFN and I’ve dragged her though it.  It feels too selfish.

I have to be realistic here.  This was my last, best chance and somehow I screwed it up.  I don’t know how but I have to start accepting that I will not become a parent.  I think this is why it’s so hard this time.  It was my last chance.   I love you all and you are all, without fail, positive and hopeful for me.  I guess I’m asking you not to be too postive in your comments about upcoming cycles because I just can’t bear to read words that are too hopeful when I’m struggling so hard with accepting reality.


8 comments on “Aftermath

  1. I’m in a similar boat and equally flailing around in my own mess of disappointment, sadness and dread of the future. My hope for you, as I would want someone to say to me, is to take care of yourself, explore the options and temper all the negative with a sliver of hope.

    PS. Thank you & your family for helping the owl. I’m glad its on the mend.

  2. Keeping the positive rah rah to myself, I’ll say this instead: it sucks! It’s not fair! I want to stomp my feet & shake my fist at the unfairness! I have followed your blog from the beginning & it makes me shake with anger at all that you’ve had to go thru, all that you’ve lost, all that you’ve endured. But what good does that do you? I wish there was something I could say to convince you it’s not your fault. I wish I had the words to take your pain away.

  3. I am so sorry you are in this place. This is sucky thing and I wish I could somehow fix it for you. I, like Tiara, would like to convince you it’s not your fault…You are doing everything you possibly can to become a mother. You have done everything right….but I know, from my own experience, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make this pain or frustration go away. All I can say is I am thinking of you as you grieve the loss of these embryos and hope your next cycle has a positive outcome. Sending you hugs!!!

  4. I understand what you’re saying about positive comments. I’ve felt that too. What I wanted to say was to not blame yourself and to not feel guilty. None of this is your fault. As far as getting excited when a cycle happens I can’t seem to stop that either. And then every negative is harder than the previous one. I actually think you should break for a while. Take some time to mourn everything because I think the negative cycles bring a lot back. I think you need to find yourself.

    I also wanted to say the dating thing doesn’t sound strange at all. Why wouldn’t you want to find some closeness with someone. Sorrow is hard to carry by yourself.

    Please be kind to yourself. I’m sending you love and you’re in my thoughts.

  5. I’m really unhappy for you. This is completely unfair and makes me so angry I can’t even begin to voice it. I’m sure that’s only half of what you’re feeling though.

    All the positive things I want to say to you, I’ll hold back but just know that they are there for you whenever you want to hear them.

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