Still struggling here but a little less so. Time is doing it’s work, I guess. However, I was feeling so low I went back to Reiki treatments with a new lady. My beloved Reiki Lady got a brain tumor last spring and I felt so close to her I just didn’t want to go to anyone different. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Reiki Lady is on the mend but may not come back to having clients. I miss her a lot and will never forget the healing she helped me with after I lost the baby. I’m sure I would not have been able to take a deep breath again without her help.
It wasn’t quite the same with the new lady but we’re just beginning to build a rapport and I did feel good when I left. At the beginning of the session, she asked me to set an intention for that session and I wanted help with letting go. Letting go of TTC and having children. I felt wonderfully relaxed after the session but everything in me fought the letting go during the session. I’ve also felt this “fighting” feeling during support group meetings when we meditate. It’s not a good feeling. I’m not at peace with quitting but I don’t believe continuing will grant me a child. I still have decisions to make about the frozens and about Em being surrogate. It’s all very unsettling. I did, however, sleep through the night two nights in a row after the Reiki session. The New Lady advised me not to try again too soon, she felt my heart was broken and my uterus still healing. She also said I didn’t have to let it all go at once but just a tiny bit at a time. I’m going back next week.
Post consultation with Dr.A:
He said a lot of stuff. Boiled down, he suddenly doesn’t think it was “embryonic factor” which is what he’s said the last 4 failed cycles. He suddenly thinks the uterus he has called “perfect” on several occasions now might have an autoimmune issue. He suggested on the next cycle having the intravenous intralipid treatment for autoimmune problems. I have to wonder if I shouldn’t have been checked for this in the past. Is it the type of thing that can pop up in between cycles? I asked if this could have had something to do with the baby dying and he said it would normally affect implantation and not a second trimester stillbirth.
The other thing he suggested was getting “another uterus” involved. And he said it just like that…like I could just run down to the drugstore and get another uterus. Don’t get me wrong, he was very nice about it but it was still very hard to hear.
So I have an appointment with Dr. Sher and I will at least hear what he has to say. I am also getting an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion. Cause, ya know, I can’t get enough of running around to pointless appointments. The same one I saw probably a year ago and now wish I had switched to. (Dr. Amber Cooper with Washington University. Anyone?) I really don’t think it would have changed anything…but now I’ll never know.
My choices tumble around and around in my brain nonstop along with the grief of knowing, although not conclusively, that I will never be a mother. I’m sick of being in limbo but can’t bear the thought of it all being truly over. I’m tired of letting go of my dreams. I’m weary of making people cry with my story (this has happened 3 times this week). I try to make them and myself to smile by saying my best bet is probably to adopt a pregnant teenager or to kidnap a preschooler from work. It kind of works….