New Reiki Lady and Post Cycle Consult

Still struggling here but a little less so.  Time is doing it’s work, I guess.  However, I was feeling so low I went back to Reiki treatments with a new lady.   My beloved Reiki Lady got a brain tumor last spring and I felt so close to her I just didn’t want to go to anyone different.  But desperate times call for desperate measures.  Reiki Lady is on the mend but may not come back to having clients.  I miss her a lot and will never forget the healing she helped me with after I lost the baby.  I’m sure I would not have been able to take a deep breath again without her help.

It wasn’t quite the same with the new lady but we’re just beginning to build a rapport and I did feel good when I left.   At the beginning of the session, she asked me to set an intention for that session and I wanted help with letting go.  Letting go of TTC and having children.  I felt wonderfully relaxed after the session but everything in me fought the letting go during the session.   I’ve also felt this “fighting” feeling during support group meetings when we meditate.  It’s not a good feeling.  I’m not at peace with quitting but I don’t believe continuing will grant me a child.    I still have decisions to make about the frozens and about Em being surrogate.  It’s all very unsettling.   I did, however, sleep through the night two nights in a row after the Reiki session.  The New Lady advised me not to try again too soon, she felt my heart was broken and my uterus still healing.  She also said I didn’t have to let it all go at once but just a tiny bit at a time.  I’m going back next week.

Post consultation with Dr.A:

He said a lot of stuff.  Boiled down, he suddenly doesn’t think it was “embryonic factor” which is what he’s said the last 4 failed cycles.  He suddenly thinks the uterus he has called “perfect” on several occasions now might have an autoimmune issue.   He suggested on the next cycle having the intravenous intralipid treatment for autoimmune problems.    I have to wonder if I shouldn’t have been checked for this in the past.  Is it the type of thing that can pop up in between cycles?   I asked if this could have had something to do with the baby dying and he said it would normally affect implantation and not a second trimester stillbirth.

The other thing he suggested was getting “another uterus” involved.  And he said it just like that…like I could just run down to the drugstore and get another uterus.  Don’t get me wrong, he was very nice about it but it was still very hard to hear.

So I have an appointment with Dr. Sher and I will at least hear what he has to say.  I am also getting an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion.  Cause, ya know, I can’t get enough of running around to pointless appointments.   The same one I saw probably a year ago and now wish I had switched to.  (Dr. Amber Cooper with Washington University.  Anyone?)  I really don’t think it would have changed anything…but now I’ll never know.

My choices tumble around and around in my brain nonstop along with the grief of knowing, although not conclusively, that I will never be a mother.  I’m sick of being in limbo but can’t bear the thought of it all being truly over.  I’m tired of letting go of my dreams.  I’m weary of making people cry with my story (this has happened 3 times this week).    I try to make them and myself to smile by saying my best bet is probably to adopt a pregnant teenager or to kidnap a preschooler from work.     It kind of works….


8 comments on “New Reiki Lady and Post Cycle Consult

  1. Yes, I have cried for you but it is because I love you. If life was about deserving, you’d be surrounded by kids. I do want to smack Dr. A for not thinking of/ checking for a possible autoimmune problem before. I hope that Dr. Sher or Dr. Cooper can shed some light on this murky situation. If I could get my uterus to work right, I’d carry as many babies as I could for you. Sending lots and lots of love!!!

  2. What is it with these doctors who keep putting embryos in and don’t bother checking for issues and then suggesting the uterus might be the problem after the heartbreak of numerous failed cycles? I could tell that my doc in town didn’t agree with just suggesting a new uterus and he did some additional testing (isn’t that what doctors are supposed to do, use science not speculation). I’m so mad for you.

    Definitely get a second opinion. Definitely. You’ve been pregnant so it is a possiblity in your uterus. There has to be some testing that can be done to prove or disprove the uterus being the issue before going to the cost (emotional and financial) of a surrogate.

  3. I can understand your feelings of being in a limbo, not having a clear path forward yet not wanting to give up on your dream. I hope that your consult with Dr Sher sheds some light on any potential auto-immune issues. Don/t feel rushed into making a decision abot the frozen embies or Em right now, just take a day at a time and give yourself time to heal from the last cycle.

  4. I wish I knew the right words to tell you…I don’t know you IRL, but I think you should keep trying.

    Your words today really struck a chord with me. Never being a mother is probably my biggest fear. I’m not TTC. Still looking/holding out hope for the right guy. And I’m definitely not at a place to be TTC right now (in the middle of a career change & do not have the $ to support a child).

    Thanks for your openness & honesty.

  5. I haven’t commented on here before but I used to follow you on your old blog in 2010 and 2011. Anyway, you spoke of trying to let go of the dream but there were a few things in this post that struck me, you said:

    “…everything in me fought the letting go during the session. I’ve also felt this “fighting” feeling during support group meetings when we meditate. It’s not a good feeling. I’m not at peace with quitting”

    “…can’t bear the thought of it all being truly over.”

    I can’t help but think that if you’re fighting quitting then maybe it’s not time to quite yet. I think it’s good for you to at least have the consults with Dr. Sher and Dr. Cooper. Perhaps they can shed some light on what has been happening and what might be a good option to try. And perhaps having the autoimmune treatment really will help.

    Mostly though I wish you peace with whichever path you choose to move forward on.

  6. Glad you are slowly moving forward and healing. Awful about reiki lady – she was sweet but good news she’s recovering!!!!!

    Dr. Sher will tell you point blank about the immunologic issues and how intralipids can make a difference if the reason m. What’s frustrating is if that was an issue, all the heartache and waste when a couple hundred dollars could have maybe had a different result. Even the thought of that is upsetting! As for using a surrogate, he was kind of cold with it. I was happy Dr S didn’t push it even though I already knew the direction since many others over years stressed it. But by the end he knew I was comfortable with it and confirmed in my last-ditch case, best option but I never felt like it was something he sought out to monopolize. I have a crummy case and deck of cards but he really was keen on trying to give me all options then discuss. I hope that you have a good consult. If EM is willing to help and Dr S coming to STL, already much cheaper than what I resulted to but here typing at 1:30 exhausted with two newborns, I hope you get that same feeling!

  7. I have met with Dr Sher here in Dallas, I highly respect his work, he specilaizes in immunolgic issues, but his local clinic here didnt detect any on me and I still belive thats part of my problem seeing how we havent had one pregnancy in 4 years. only makes sense…..however I cleared all tests with my clinic for immunology issues, and I have endometriosis, hypothryoidism , psoriasis and gluten intolerane which are all immunology issues or create an immune reponse. So go figure. I just dont think these docs know enough.

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