Checking in…things are ok here. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs the past few weeks. I really need to write here more often. But really it’s mundane things now such as seeing my cousins daughter at Thanksgiving who is a few months younger than Greyson should have been. She was toddling around and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I know she and Greyson would have played together and had fun. Still it was a good holiday and even seeing the little girl didn’t make me too sad…more a feeling of warmth thinking of all the things he’d be doing now at 19 months old. I know he’d be a delight and a challenge now.
Sometime near Thanksgiving I bought a new car. Good bye 2004 Taurus, hello 2011 silver Jeep Compass which only has 3800 miles on it. It’s an artificial high but I will take the few days of “new car euphoria” I got. It was a good experience to shop and buy a car with my dad. I never realized or I forgot since the last car purchase how knowledgeable and shrewd he can be while wheeling and dealing. Also, hello car payment which I haven’t had in years.
The weekend before our 2nd year anniversary was very bad for me. I cried a lot. I kept thinking about how happy I was two years ago right then at that moment, on that date. Those were the happiest days of my life and it seems things will never be that happy again. I missed him terribly and wondered constantly why he had to die. It’s true when they say a piece of you is missing.
My dad’s birthday, which is also the anniversary of my water breaking, was very good. It was a good distraction to think about the party preparations. I had everyone here to celebrate with pancakes for supper. We all had a lot of laughs visiting and telling stories from our childhood. It felt good to smile and laugh so much and to be together as a family.
As usual, the days leading up to the actual anniversary were far worse than the anniversary itself. I actually felt pretty calm and as though I’d weathered the storm. I posted something on FB that night about people giving their children an extra kiss in Greyson’s honor. I never got a chance to kiss my son so I liked the idea of lots of children getting extra kisses on the night when I’d lost him. And yes, I guess I wanted people to realize what a precious treasure they have in their children whom they ought to cherish every minute of the day.
Maybe next year I won’t post anything at all. It’s good to get support but it is a lot of pity to shoulder. My good friend was talking about how “when” I forget the anniversary it might make me feel bad and she went on to talk about how she felt the first year she forgot the date her grandma died. I wish I could convey to people who are trying to be so gracious and kind that losing a grandma, dad, mom, uncle, cousin etc can never, never be the same or be compared to losing a child. I know I will never forget these dates….I only hope the memories of every hour of that time which I still remember down to the fine details will fade over time. I still wonder how I survived the days and weeks afterwards…so much pain. I wish I had thought to ask her if she would ever forget the dates her living sons were born.
I’ve always thought that when my nieces got too big to come decorate my Christmas tree, I’d stop putting one up. I thought this might be the year. They’ve been a little bratty lately. Stretch didn’t want to come at certain times and would act like the moody 14 year old she is. Dollface would cry and say didn’t want to come without Stretch. But finally they came over today and we had a really good time decorating the tree. My favorite part is looking at each ornament and telling about the memory connected with each. So many good memories about people I love. I love that the girls each have certain memories tied to certain decorations. I like their exclamations as they open the decorations like their greeting old friends. Dollface always likes to set up the nativity and my little Christmas book collection. Stretch likes to organize the angels and set up the lights. We had a rousing game of Uno afterwards and made plans for all the Christmas cookies we would bake.
There is so much I love about this season….how can it be so hard at the same time?
I’ve been thinking and thinking about surrogacy and I have a lot of mixed emotions. I really wanted to carry and give birth to my baby myself. I wanted that deep inside my heart. One more thing to have to give up and it’s just not fair. Also, I’ve been reading up and even with my cousin doing it for me, I just don’t think it’s financially possible. I didn’t know you had to cover the surrogate’s maternity leave salary if her work won’t and all the details down to maternity clothes and a cleaning lady if she needs one. If I do it at all, I will have to get a loan and I just don’t know if I can get that much. And if I can, I’ll be in debt for so long…and maybe for nothing.
A few weeks ago, before I started to analyze the finances, I had asked Em by text if surrogacy was still on the table. I’d had so many thoughts about it swirling around in my mind and I didn’t want to write a big mushy letter to her about it if it wasn’t. I worry so much about her aspect of things in this process. Anyway, she responded that she needed to do some research and think about it. In my mind, this meant “maybe” which as we all know from childhood usually means “no”. So I relaxed a little knowing that half the choices I’d been thinking about were off the table. But this week she wanted to get together “lots to talk about” she said. This could mean anything of course. We made plans, then she got sick and canceled. Don’t know what to make of it all. I noticed she was well enough to “sign in” at church this morning on FB.
Well, guess that’s about it. It seems like a lot. I will definitely update here after my consult with Dr. Sher on the 17th as well as try to write here more often. Thank you, Friends.