Ups and Downs…What Else Is New.

Checking in…things are ok here.  I’ve had a lot of ups and downs the past few weeks.  I really need to write here more often.  But really it’s mundane things now such as seeing my cousins daughter at Thanksgiving who is a few months younger than Greyson should have been.  She was toddling around and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  I know she and Greyson would have played together and had fun.  Still it was a good holiday and even seeing the little girl didn’t make me too sad…more a feeling of warmth thinking of all the things he’d be doing now at 19 months old.  I know he’d be a delight and a challenge now.

Sometime near Thanksgiving I bought a new car.  Good bye 2004 Taurus, hello 2011 silver Jeep Compass which only has 3800 miles on it.  It’s an artificial high but I will take the few days of “new car euphoria” I got.   It was a good experience to shop and buy a car with my dad.  I never realized or I forgot since the last car purchase how knowledgeable and shrewd he can be while wheeling and dealing.  Also, hello car payment which I haven’t had in years.

The weekend before our 2nd year anniversary was very bad for me.  I cried a lot.  I kept thinking about how happy I was two years ago right then at that moment, on that date.  Those were the happiest days of my life and it seems things will never be that happy again.  I missed him terribly and wondered constantly why he had to die.    It’s true when they say a piece of you is missing.

My dad’s birthday, which is also the anniversary of my water breaking, was very good.  It was a good distraction to think about the party preparations.  I had everyone here to celebrate with pancakes for supper.  We all had a lot of laughs visiting and telling stories from our childhood.  It felt good to smile and laugh so much and to be together as a family.

As usual, the days leading up to the actual anniversary were far worse than the anniversary itself.   I actually felt pretty calm and as though I’d weathered the storm.  I posted something on FB that night about people giving their children an extra kiss in Greyson’s honor.  I never got a chance to kiss my son so I liked the idea of lots of children getting extra kisses on the night when I’d lost him.  And yes, I guess I wanted people to realize what a precious treasure they have in their children whom they ought to cherish every minute of the day.

Maybe next year I won’t post anything at all.  It’s good to get support but it is a lot of pity to shoulder.  My good friend was talking about how “when” I forget the anniversary it might make me feel bad and she went on to talk about how she felt the first year she forgot the date her grandma died.  I wish I could convey to people who are trying to be so gracious and kind that losing a grandma, dad, mom, uncle, cousin etc can never, never be the same or be compared to losing a child.  I know I will never forget these dates….I only hope the memories of every hour of that time which I still remember down to the fine details will fade over time.  I still wonder how I survived the days and weeks afterwards…so much pain.  I wish I had thought to ask her if she would ever forget the dates her living sons were born.

I’ve always thought that when my nieces got too big to come decorate my Christmas tree, I’d stop putting one up.  I thought this might be the year.   They’ve been a little bratty lately.  Stretch didn’t want to come at certain times and would act like the moody 14 year old she is.   Dollface would cry and say didn’t want to come without Stretch.   But finally they came over today and we had a really good time decorating the tree.   My favorite part is looking at each ornament and telling about the memory connected with each.  So many good memories about people I love.  I love that the girls each have certain memories tied to certain decorations.  I like their exclamations as they open the decorations like their greeting old friends.   Dollface always likes to set up the nativity and my little Christmas book collection.  Stretch likes to organize the angels and set up the lights.   We had a rousing game of Uno afterwards and made plans for all the Christmas cookies we would bake.

There is so much I love about this season….how can it be so hard at the same time?

I’ve been thinking and thinking about surrogacy and I have a lot of mixed emotions.  I really wanted to carry and give birth to my baby myself. I wanted that deep inside my heart.  One more thing to have to give up and it’s just not fair.   Also, I’ve been reading up and even with my cousin doing it for me, I just don’t think it’s financially possible.  I didn’t know you had to cover the surrogate’s maternity leave salary if her work won’t and all the details down to maternity clothes and a cleaning lady if she needs one.  If I do it at all, I will have to get a loan and I just don’t know if I can get that much.    And if I can, I’ll be in debt for so long…and maybe for nothing.

A few weeks ago, before I started to analyze the finances, I had asked Em by text if surrogacy was still on the table.  I’d had so many thoughts about it swirling around in my mind and I didn’t want to write a big mushy letter to her about it if it wasn’t.   I worry so much about her aspect of things in this process.  Anyway, she responded that she needed to do some research and think about it.  In my mind, this meant “maybe” which as we all know from childhood usually means “no”.  So I relaxed a little knowing that half the choices I’d been thinking about were off the table.  But this week she wanted to get together “lots to talk about” she said.   This could mean anything of course.  We made plans, then she got sick and canceled.  Don’t know what to make of it all.   I noticed she was well enough to “sign in” at church this morning on FB.

Well, guess that’s about it.  It seems like a lot.  I will definitely update here after my consult with Dr. Sher on the 17th as well as try to write here more often.  Thank you, Friends.

 

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9 comments on “Ups and Downs…What Else Is New.

  1. This time of year is hard anyway without the loss of a child. I’m glad that you are able to find some of the connections with your family that help some. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

  2. Been thinking about you. I began reading your blog two years ago in Dec and while I did not know the exact dates I knew that this month is a difficult time for you. I am glad that you are getting to spend special moments with your family. You are in my thoughts and I wish you the best.

  3. Someone commented on my blog once that the calendar is an emotional land mine. So true.

    Thinking about surrogacy is way harder for me than donor eggs was. As the weeks passed the idea of using donor eggs got easier and felt like the right thing. Surrogacy hasn’t. I don’t want to do it either and don’t know if I can. The unknown costs are pretty scary too. I wondered what would happen if a surrogate needed to go on bed rest for 6 months. I couldn’t pay someone’s wages and associated expenses for that long.

    I hope Dr. Sher has something else to say about it and is willing to do more testing. The decision to use a surrogate can’t just be made because someone wants to try a new uterus.

  4. Glad to see you check in and that positive things are going on and this time of year. Surrogacy is quite the journey and not cheap. Having been there, if finances will be a huge worry probably best to explore other options because unforeseen things do come up. You reimburse all mileage, company’s, deductibles, childcare, time from work, clothing expenses and even things like extra food comes up. All that aside, the emotional toll is high with stress so any extra stress would be daunting. Hope you have a great consult with Dr S! He’s on our announcement list as soon as they arrive. Who would have ever thought that day would come?! Best of luck!

  5. Paige, I have much to catch up here on your blog. But I wanted to read your most current post first and respond. That’s a lot going on for you right now!
    I was not aware that so much, financially, went into a surrogate, even one related. I mean besides medical for ttc, but mat leave salary, childcare and mat clothes. . .I was not aware! It sucks that it’s yet another part to let go of, to even think about making any decision. And it’s certainly not fair, at least I don’t think so, that so much financially has to go into trying to make a family of your (our) own 😦 Especially since it’s all so uncertain.
    Glad you are getting to enjoy, for the most part, the Christmas season, and that your nieces eventually “got with the program” 😉
    Hoping the consultation goes well with the new doc and am looking forward to hearing about it all.

  6. Paige, I am so sorry you have to face another Christmas without Greyson or a sibling. I wanted to tell you about a more affortable surragacy, I was also looking into. http://drshivanisachdevgourdelhi.blogspot.com/
    The surrogates are well taken care of, the price includes a surrogate house or live in nurse (for the surrogates with young kids) to do the major cooking and housework, you get messages and ultrasounds every two weeks in the first trimester and then every month. Also the money the surrogates get inrich their lives, usually send their kids to school or buy the first family home. I don’t know all the price points but I have seen that with a egg donor, surrogate, all doctor fee’s, plus travel fee’s it is about $22,000 singleton and $35,000 ish for twins, now please dont quote me, those are numbers i have seen around the web. It is really a neat experience.

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