Christmas Letter 2012

Dear Greyson,

My darling Sweet Pea, you should be 20 months old today.   You would be seriously toddling around, talking to everyone, playing peek-a-boo and sooo big.   I would have taught you to sing a little of  “Away In A Manger” or “Jingle Bells” and I would have sung so many others to you besides.

You wouldn’t understand the Santa yet but I would have taken you to sit on his lap anyway.  Maybe you would have been scared and cried as some toddlers do but I hope not.  I hope it would have been all smiles for you, my beautiful boy, this Christmas season.

Perhaps I would have attempted to take you to candle light Christmas Eve service, but I doubt you would have sat through it all.  I was strongly reminded of you during the service when a mischievous little boy a little older than you was tumbling up and down the side aisle peeking at people and making them smile.   Would you have had that twinkle in your eye, Greyson P?

By now I would have known what you love.   Would it have been tractors, trains, dolls, puppies, trucks or something else?  What would you have found under our tree on Christmas morning in your footie pajamas?  Maybe one of those little plastic jungle gyms or a toddler sized tool bench or a tricycle?   I know you would have opened books to read and games to play and love, my son, there would be and there is a lot of love here for you, always.

I wonder if you would have gotten on your 7 year old cousins nerves by pestering her and wanting to play with her big kid stuff.  Would you have tasted the play-doh or spilled the nail polish?  Your 14 year old cousin would be your occasional babysitter by now.  Would she feel a special affinity for you?  Maybe a little motherly?

Maw Maw put a special ornament on her tree this year to represent you.  It’s in the shape of a white dove.  It was good to have someone else acknowledge that you were missing this holiday season.  Last year, I felt so alone in missing you.

If you were here Maw Maw would have stuck a bow on your head and laughed to see you lost in the discarded wrappings.  She would have made sure there was something you liked to eat at dinner and given you a special ornament with a note about what you were interested in this year.  You would have been Paw Paw’s big boy and he would have distracted you with the dogs or funny noises or hand games when you were fussy for everyone else.   He would have held you close and napped with you in the afternoon.

I wonder what I would have been like as the mother of an almost 2 year old.  Would I have had enough patience to endure the harried holiday season with you toddling around?  Would I have taken it easy knowing that you wouldn’t really remember this one?   Would I be working on a sibling for you or would I have decided that our little family was complete?  I hope, dear one, that I would have smiled everyday and laughed with you.  I know I would have sung all the old favorite carols for you and read all the Christmas books that now just sit unread under my tree.  I would have explained each figure of our toy Nativity set to you and let you play with it.

I miss you and think about you everyday, Sweet Pea, although it hurts a little less than last year.    I don’t wonder very often anymore why you aren’t here with me on Earth but I still wish you could have stayed.  I love you, Greyson P, now, forever and always.

Mama

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2 comments on “Christmas Letter 2012

  1. This brought tears to my eyes. Beloved Grayson! I too was imagining my little girl that I lost there at Christmas. So painful.
    I want so much for you to have the wonderful experience of raising your child and being swept up in the joy and busyness that it brings. Much love, and Happy New Year!

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