2nd Birthday

Yesterday was what should have been Greyson’s second birthday if he’d been born on his due date.  I had a few sad moments and there were a few things that gave me an extra pinch emotionally.  I was asked by my good friend at school who is over 8 months pregnant to help her test some of her students.  It was hard to watch her shifting and adjusting constantly because the baby is getting so big.  In that same room, a little girl came up to me with a doll.  One of those heavy “real life” ones and asked me to help her dress it.  It made me feel a little insane to do it…like I wanted to dollnap it and raise it as my own.   My officemate, who I really love, out of the blue started talking about her aunt who’d lost a 22 year old child thirteen years ago and who had slipped into depression and “wasn’t herself” and how she “has a choice” about being positive and cheerful or being bogged down by the grief for so long.   Even when I shared with her that it was our due date she just kept on about it.  It’s just strange to me how nothing like this can happen for weeks or months on end but when the calendar rolls to a sensitive date the hits just keep coming.   But, even with these little things, I weathered the day pretty well, I guess.

Of course I missed him especially terribly yesterday.  I do wonder what he would be like as a two year old, what he would like to do and eat and play with…what he would look like.  We’d be heading into potty training…what would that have been like.  That other teacher who was pregnant while I was is pinning construction birthday party stuff like crazy.  I wonder if Greyson would have liked that kind of party or some other kind.  It would have been fun to plan a party for him.

It’s very much in my thoughts that it’s been two years.  Two years since my baby left me and still no sibling for my Sweet Pea.  God…a total of four years of my life gone to infertility and with nothing to show for it but a bunch of disappointments and heartbreak.

 And now the news you’ve all been waiting for:

I had my lining check today and at 8mm I’m good to go.  I was surprised because at the other clinic it had to be at least 9mm but I’m told that as long as it’s triple stripe a little thinner is ok.  I start progesterone and everything else on Sunday and the transfer will be Friday, May 3, with beta on May 15.

So…  one last time….here we go.

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7 comments on “2nd Birthday

  1. I don’t quite have the words to say what I am feeling about you and Greyson’s birthday. I cannot begin to imagine what you go through, but thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry that he isn’t here for you to have the answers to all of those questions.

    Congrats on getting the go ahead with your lining. I will be thinking of you and sending sticky baby dust your way! Four years is a long time!

  2. Thinking of you and Greyson. My heart aches for you. You are an amazing woman to have survived all of this. I keep you in my prayers every day.

    And I will be saying special prayers for your upcoming transfer. I will keep everything crossed for you!

  3. Sending so many hugs! It is really amazing (well actually incredibly annoying) how on those days (just those days) it seems that’s when all the comments, stories, projects etc. have to relate up and make your heart heavier. Always the @#$% way!

    I am praying, praying, praying for this transfer!

  4. Thinking of you and Grayson.
    Also sending many good thoughts to you for tomorrow and the coming waiting. Hugs to you.

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