7 Week Update

I feel like I’ve spent most of the last week staring into space with my mind going a million miles an hour trying to make sense of reality.  I’m pregnant with three fetuses.  My thoughts range anywhere from abject fear that takes my breath away, to wondering if I can mentally survive months of bedrest, to wondering whether or not I should reduce, to thinking about how I would afford 3 college educations, to thinking about adding on to my small home, to literally shaking because I don’t know if I could survive losing 3 more children as I lost my Sweet Pea.  I’ve cried more times than I can count.  I’ve smiled more times than I can count.  I thought I might be having a nervous breakdown there for awhile but slowly the reality is sinking in and thoughts are a tiny bit slower.  I’m pregnant with three babies.  It’s so close to and so far from what I’ve been working so hard for for so long and what I’ve always wanted.

I had a 7 week ultrasound yesterday and all three Sparks are doing well.  It took the tech a while to find them which, of course, made me panic.  They are each measuring a day or two behind schedule but the doctor says she’s more than satisfied with their growth and heartbeat.   We rehashed a lot of the same info she gave me last week since my stunned brain wasn’t taking in much after thinking I had lost the pregnancy then finding out all three were there.   I told her she should publish an article about me…she hesitated and then laughed but in a way that made me think she’s already writing the rough draft.  The next step is to choose a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor.  It’s between a guy that specializes in “higher order multiples” (Dr. Micheal Paul at MoBap..anyone?)  or one that is at a hospital with a level 3 NICU (Dr. Alison Cahill at Barnes…anyone?).

I’ve decided the only way I will mentally and emotionally survive the whirlwind that is going on is to simply take it a week at a time.  Just get through this week and don’t worry about what may happen down the road.  This works about 60% of the time…the rest of the time I vacillate wildly between being crazy, over the moon happy and being scared out of my mind.

I’m scared to death that if I choose not to selectively reduce that I will lose them all.  I couldn’t even get a singleton here safely, what chance do three have?  I’m scared that if I somehow do manage to give birth to all three, that I won’t be able to keep them safe, especially while they are small.  Remember, I’m single and completely on my own here.  Yes, I have wonderful family and friends who would do anything for us but I can’t lean on others forever and ultimately I would be on my own with three small children.  I keep imagining a moment I think most parents (and me as an aunt) have experienced when the child runs away from you in public.  You run a few steps and are able to grab them.  Then I picture myself with three running in different directions.

Don’t even get me started on the financial part.  I’m a teacher with one income.  I keep thinking and thinking trying to figure out how in the world I would pay for daycare and insurance for three children not to mention the millions of other material things we would need.

But then there are times when I’m laying in bed and just cherishing every moment of that full feeling in my uterus.   I walk around school and spin white lie after white lie about why I can’t do this or that activity but inside I know I have a secret and I can’t wait to tell everyone.  Those times when I smell something and I smile because I know the pregnancy super schnozz is at work.    When I see those hearts beating I’m in awe of the miracle inside me.  I’m truly enjoying this stage of pregnancy with every fiber of my being.

God, how I want to give them all a chance I’m just so terrified that they won’t make it here to me alive.    Terrified isn’t even a big enough word for it.  The triplet moms who commented have all seemed to have good outcomes and that is wonderful but I know there’s an aggregation of moms I’m not hearing from…those who ended up with children in Heaven like my Greyson.   I’m also frustrated because most of the blogs I see are more scrapbooks of the good times which is so great to read and I understand wanting to do that but they don’t tell the real story I know must be out there about the awful side of no sleep and no money and poop everywhere and constant crying and never being able to take them anywhere by yourself and being completely drained emotionally and physically…tapped out in all possible ways.  I wonder if I could take that.  But once in a while I read something on the internet that gives me a bit of hope and slowly a vision is taking place for what could be…how maybe it could work out.

Thank you everyone for all the support in the comments.  I love you guys.  And keep the prayers coming, people…I need the powers of the full blogosphere here.

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14 comments on “7 Week Update

  1. I can just picture you walking around with that secretive little smile on your face. Of course if your school is anything like mine, everyone is way too busy to think much about it now. I completely understand taking it day by day and week by week. You’re right that it may be the only way you can stay sane right now. As for wanting the whole picture of life with triplets, how about emailing some triplet moms to ask for the whole story? Maybe they will be willing to share more when it’s not “out there” for the whole blogosphere to see. Sending lots and lots of love and prayers to you and the Sparks!!!

  2. I can only imagine what all must be running through your head. It’s hard if I even try to wrap my brain around it, if it were happening to me. So you have prayers galore coming from this little piece of the blogosphere, and that at the right time you will know the right answer. Even if you second guess yourself more times than you can count.
    So glad that the littles are all doing well and safe inside you 🙂

  3. I am so very happy for you. I know that you must be going through every possible range of emotion but try to enjoy each moment and day. you and the three sparks have been in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I don’t know about carrying high order multiples, but I can offer support and encouragement about how to survive bedrest. I spent from week 20-37 on strict bedrest when pregnant with my son. it is possible to get through. keep us posted on your progress. I love hearing your updates.

  4. I think everything you are experience is completely expected. I had many of the same worries with “just” twins (never thought I would qualify twins that way, ha ha). Wishing you many weeks of more smiles than tears!

  5. Sending my best to you. You are in that in between phase. So much ahead of you. As for MFM, I worked at St John’s so I would say go there, but I’ve heard wonderful things about Barnes and Children’s NICU. Sounds like you’re leaning towards a BJC hospital (mobap/barnes). I’m not a super fan of MoBap, but working at St John’s you can see why, you know competition 🙂 I’ve also been away from StL for 11 years so things may have changed. I say head to Barnes. I would only deliver at a Level III NICU hospital anyway. (NICU NURSE CURSE)

    Good luck and know I’m thinking of you often and praying for you and those little sparks!!

  6. As you know, I’m a SMBC too, with twins and 2 singletons. It’s chaos. I’m on 1 income, and it’s tight. But we make it work. It’s about prioritizing and bargain shopping for the essentials.
    College=loans. It’s just a fact of life. The up side to that is the kids learn financial responsibility and develop work ethic, rather than having everything handed to them.
    I am ‘that mom,’ the one who puts a leash on her toddlers. Ok, they’re cute little backpacks with a leash. I haven’t lost any kids yet, even attempted the zoo a few times!
    Bottom line, you’ll figure it out.

  7. Well I’ve been blogging for 8 years about poop, vomit, being tired out of my mind and the pure insanity of having triplets.. I’ve lost kids in public! One particular memory was when I first let them out of the triplet stroller and we were in line at a health food store. I was trying to keep them from touching everything. They were three. Next thing I knew, I turned my back for one second and the three of them ran away, straight to the bulk bins, and before I could get there they were shoveling organic chocolate covered raisins in their mouths.

    Anyway, I went *everywhere* with mine. I mean everywhere. You just have to have the right equipment. I started out with the Triple Decker stroller, then went to the Runabout. With the Triplet Decker, the carseats snap in the frame. I could have all three out of the car in 30 seconds. Snap. Snap. Snap. I’d push the stroller and pull the cart. I also got pregnant when mine were 7 months old, so I’d straddle the carseat on the stroller handlebars!!!

    If you’re going to do this thing, you’ll need an au pair. It will be way cheaper to have an au pair than daycare for three, plus you won’t have the germ factor going on and you’ll have someone in the house with you.

    Honestly, it’s five really hard years and then it’s actually easier than singletons because they all go to school at the same time, on the same schedule, at the same place. I don’t know what kind of teacher you are, but all the triplet moms I know who are teachers have their trio with them at their schools and it works out really well. Mine are nine now and those first few years are fading fast because now it’s wonderful. Thank God I blogged through it all because I can barely remember it. At nine, they are each others best friends. They play together all day long. I’ve got a nifty chore schedule, so they are all assigned to various chores throughout the day to keep it all running smoothly. At nine, they fold laundry, empty the dishwasher, cook breakfast, sweep, clean the bathrooms, vacuum, and dust. We are a well-oiled machine!!!

    Is it hard? Well, yeah, I’ve got four kids. It’s a lot. We have the loudest, craziest house in the whole neighborhood. I usually have at least five extra kids here at all times, running in and out, eating my food, and generally driving me insane. It’s the best!!!

    Good luck in your decision.

  8. I am SOOO excited for you!! I LOVE that you are pregnant with THREE!! To me, it works for you!! I’m catching up on your last couple of posts (comments) but I wanted to make sure you are connected with Sarah at OMG There’s Three http://omgtheresthree.com She is an SMC that makes it look easy, with triplets on top of that! She would be a great resource to talk with!! Sending you all of the positive vibes I can for a long, healthy pregnancy!!

  9. I am over the moon happy for you. No one can know you as well as you know yourself. You are having normal fears x 3!! You need HUGE amounts of prayer to figure out what is right for you. So much to consider….your history, your present health and the reality of bringing three children up without a spouse. Overwhelming as it must be, the right path to take will reveal itself if you look hard enough and trust in Him to bring you through this. You got this!!

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