We’re all pretty good here. I went to the doctor a week ago so they could check the cerclage. This is a big practice so you never know who you’ll see but this time I saw the same doctor from Ghana who put in the cerclage. In his dreamy accent, he told us everything looked good. He used those huge cotton swabs they have to clean out some of the old blood. It stung but at the same time felt good, like when you clean a cut with peroxide and it stings but feels cleaner. He said maybe it would stop the bleeding and it did for about a day. I’m still spotting everyday but a small amount and very dark. Then he showed Mom and me the babies on the smallest ultrasound screen you’ve ever seen. About the size of a cell phone. I could not discern any body parts. They pretty much just looked like amoebae swimming around. It was Mom’s first time seeing them and she was amazed and relieved.
Afterwards, Mom and I had a good day of lunch and shopping. We haven’t done this in a long time and it was so nice. I felt very content for days afterwards even though at the same time I’ve been having dreams where I’m in the hospital and I’ve done it! In my dream, I’ve given birth to a live baby….but when they hand it to me something awful always happens. I drop it or the head flies off like a plastic doll’s head or the car seat somehow tumps over. And this morning I woke up with that awful thought that something seems different….something feels a little off and I have the thought that maybe this is the last day I will be pregnant. I had these days often early in the pregnancy but until today I haven’t had one in many weeks.
I had a nice lunch with my aunt. She is the first one who seems to understand that it’s too soon for me to get excited about showers and names and gender reveals and nurseries. She seems to understand the fear and anxiety I have to work so hard to overcome while even at the same time feeling joy, hope and happiness. My mom is scared for me, I think, but still wants to do all this planning. I want to too but….just can’t invest all the way yet. I do think about these things every day and have researched and pinned somethings, sometimes I spend a long time doing this but then I stop myself with the thought and prayer, “I hope I can get them here.”
I’ve also taken my first glucose blood test, the one where you drink that super sweet koolaid. They gave me the test earlier than most because of all my risk factors. I’ve been cheering my pancreas on while waiting for those results.
I’m living from doctor’s appointment to doctor’s appointment….from ultrasound to ultrasound really. I go back in one week.
Don’t worry, I know more good things happen than bad. I’m managing to hold the negative thoughts off and be….mostly hopeful and sometimes even content. Only here to you, dear readers, will I confess that I spend many secret moments when I first wake up rubbing the part of my fat roll that has become firm and nearly cackling with glee. I’m hoping to feel the Sparks…well…*sparkling* in the next week or so.