I had an idea that I would start back to school part time on Monday. Yes, I’m still in so much emotional pain…more than you can ever imagine…more than I think I can bear some days. No, I’m not really ready but when will I ever be? I can’t just lay around the house popping pills forever.
So I thought I’d just visit school very briefly this week and get those first horrible looks of pity out of the way.
It was pretty wretched.
I first walked in to JW’s office and started bawling. I told her I didn’t think I was strong enough to do it. She said I didn’t have to.
But after sitting with her awhile I calmed down and was able to walk around a little with JW as an escort. First, we ran into the librarian who is my good friend. She did so well with me. She hugged me but was not too nice. Hard to explain but I have a hard time handling over the top niceness.
I wanted to see ES. My good friend who is pregnant. The one from this post who I’ve shared so much with about loss and pregnancy. I knew seeing her would be the hardest thing I could do today and I don’t want to lose her friendship. When she saw me tears sprang to her eyes but she said it was so good to see me. She hugged me tight and I whispered that I’d try not to be too weird with her. She said I could be as weird as I wanted. Like so many others, she told me if there was anything I needed…. Like so many others, I told her there was only one thing I needed and no one could give it to me. I immediately regretted saying that to her. She’d had a gender reveal shower the Saturday after my twins were born too soon so I still don’t know what’s she’s having. I’m not even jealous of the shower…I just wish so badly that our babies could still be friends. God, I miss my boys so much everyday, every hour, every breath.
I held it together pretty well for the rest of the visit although I didn’t really see too many other people. I could feel my self being distracted from my own sadness by the everyday details of school. Mrs. S now has a pet. Lunch duty has changed. Everyone, including my principal, asked me if I was sure I was ready to come back.
No I’m not sure. Not sure at all.