One month since I gave birth to Jack and Aaron. I was supposed to go back to school today but I just couldn’t get it together enough to go. I’ve been writing a lot but not about what I’m feeling now. The emotions are a complete and utter mess. I don’t even know where to start explaining about that. It’s impossible. I started on antidepressants three days ago. They seemed to work pretty good the first two days…I was still very sad but I didn’t cry as much. But today it seems possibly worse than before. I keep having totally wild thoughts like: maybe I should move away and have a fresh start somewhere to the complete opposite like maybe I should move in with my parents or maybe I should cash in my retirement and travel the world. God, I miss those boys so much. It feels like it’s more than anyone could ever understand. The yayas came and visited me on Sunday and I was anxious all day thinking about 7 people coming at me and what stupid thing was someone going to say. But no one said anything stupid and I only had one or two rough moments when someone asked me how I was doing since Clara B died. It was good to be carried away in their conversation and even participate a little. I often wonder what I look like…is the pain etched on my face? I’ve given up wearing makeup and quite frankly I have to talk myself into bathing some days. Also, I think my hair is falling out. The girls gave me a beautiful little ring with three hearts and all three boys birthstones. I just wanted to ask if it was a magic ring that brought babies back to life. I’m turning into a mean person. I know people just want to do something but the one thing I need no one can do.
(Evelyn I’m tagging for you)