One Month

One month since I gave birth to Jack and Aaron.  I was supposed to go back to school today but I just couldn’t get it together enough to go.  I’ve been writing a lot but not about what I’m feeling now.  The emotions are a complete and utter mess.  I don’t even know where to start explaining about that.  It’s impossible.  I started on antidepressants three days ago.  They seemed to work pretty good the first two days…I was still very sad but I didn’t cry as much.  But today it seems possibly worse than before.   I keep having totally wild thoughts like:  maybe I should move away and have a fresh start somewhere to the complete opposite like maybe I should move in with my parents or maybe I should cash in my retirement and travel the world.  God, I miss those boys so much.  It feels like it’s more than anyone could ever understand.    The yayas came and visited me on Sunday and I was anxious all day thinking about 7 people coming at me and what stupid thing was someone going to say.  But no one said anything stupid and I only had one or two rough moments when someone asked me how I was doing since Clara B died.  It was good to be carried away in their conversation and even participate a little.  I often wonder what I look like…is the pain etched on my face?  I’ve given up wearing makeup and quite frankly I have to talk myself into bathing some days.  Also, I think my hair is falling out.  The girls gave me a beautiful little ring with three hearts and all three boys birthstones.  I just wanted to ask if it was a magic ring that brought babies back to life.  I’m turning into a mean person.  I know people just want to do something but the one thing I need no one can do.

(Evelyn I’m tagging for you)


5 comments on “One Month

  1. Paige, I am so sorry that the emotions are beating you down. It is understandable after the gigantic losses you’ve suffered. When I was in a school counseling program, I first heard the term “grief overload.” That is where you are. Hopefully the antidepressants will help control the emotions as you struggle to move forward.

    We all want to do something for you to let you know that we care and we love Jack and Aaron. Sometimes what we do seems so wrong. I know I am guilty. If only there were something magical….

  2. I doubt you are becoming mean; its a side effect of the grief. And I don’t think you should worry about becoming mean either, it’s not like you’re going out of your way to hurt people.

    I think you always tagged very well, but then I’ve only gotten weird about it recently.

  3. I agree with Evelyn. You’re grieving. You have so many emotions running through you. I would never think of you as a mean person. I just don’t see how you could be. HUGS lady. I so wish I could do the impossible for you.

  4. I agree with the previous posters who bring up all the thoughts etc as grieving. I also can understand the idea of being overwhelmed by grief. I too wish there was something I could do to help even a little bit although I understand I can’t. Many hugs to you and hopes that the grief will seem a little less overwhelming soon.

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