Time

I’m really having a problem with the passage of time.  I hate that it takes me further from the happy memories of being pregnant and even from the time of them being born.  I was sad the day I stopped bleeding from giving birth because it meant the birth, and even the healing from giving birth was over.  I don’t want to forget a single memory or any of the details, even the painful ones.  Turning the calendar to October took me a few days and it didn’t feel good when I did it.  The marking of one month since Jack and Aaron’s birth was very emotional although I didn’t realize why until later in the day.  Probably one reason why I couldn’t get my act together and go to school yesterday.    Time is one of the few things that will eventually make me feel better, not whole, not un-broken, not ok but better … but it feels sad and painful too.

 

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4 comments on “Time

  1. They say time heals all but we both know it doesn’t always heal and these milestones can hurt badly. I’m so sorry you’re having to struggle with it again. I hope that you are getting support from family and friends.

  2. Have you considered writing out all the details? I don’t mean here. Just on paper so you can be assured you won’t forget anything you don’t want to forget. You’re right, you will feel better in time, but the memories will also become blurry. I’m not suggesting you relive everything but maybe writing it down and tucking it away will ease the concern that you are becoming farther away from it.

  3. Time will help. You are often in my thoughts.

    I lost a brother to a drug overdose a year ago. I know it isn’t the same as your situation, but it was a rough time. It took a long time for me to get to an ok place. I definitely hurt some feelings in my grief. Finally I think I’m at the acceptance stage. But his death will always be a part of who I am. I hope sharing this helps you, even if it’s just a teeny tiny bit.

    Please keep writing through your grief. You don’t have to share it. And find a good counselor.

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