My friend and neighbor, JS, stopped by the other day. She is, I believe, the only person who has actually said the words, “I don’t know what to say.” to me. I don’t know why people would avoid talking to me rather than say these few words. I respect them because they are the truth. I don’t know what to say to people from my end either sometimes. It gets tiresome making people think I’m ok or worse somehow being made to feel that I should be making them feel better about my tragedy. I’m in no position to comfort anyone.
Anyway it was a good visit with JS. We don’t see each other too often it felt good to catch up. She runs the local blood drive and I was able to tell her the reason I stopped giving was because I was pregnant. I had promised previously to give regularly so I’m sure she thought I was a loser when I didn’t show up. I know I’m getting better because I was able to take an interest in contributing to the conversation.
I took Dollface, Stretch and a friend of Stretch’s to get ice cream last night. It was good to get carried away in their teenaged talk about people they go to school with and music. I think the antidepressants are doing their work. I’m not exactly able to enjoy myself but I’m able to focus on things besides myself for short periods. Stretch’s boyfriend broke up with her at school last week and I have to give myself credit for being very sympathetic. I hope she sees me as that way.
I’ve put all the boys’ pictures on flick.r for safekeeping. I have them on my computer and disc but I feel better knowing they’re online too. Mom told Dad about it in case he ever wanted to see them. She told me he got very emotional and said that seeing them would put him “under”. Mom meanwhile is doing well. Every time I’m over there she’s busy and seems to be able to function well and even joke around sometimes. We went to the Ma.c store and I swear she was flirting with the sales person. He was very a very serious person and didn’t crack a smile the entire time. I didn’t know whether to be glad or embarrassed. I hope Mom isn’t putting on a show for me. I’ve mentioned to her a long time ago that I felt responsible for her sliding further into depression.
I still can’t believe I have 4 children in the ground. I miss them all so much. It’s not an exaggeration to say I miss them with every heartbeat and every breath.